Before and After the addiction

I remember when I was a kid my ambitions in life were astronomical just like many. I wanted to be an astronaut. I have good memories from being young. I grew up in Vero Beach Florida. It's a nice small Atlantic town. Although the place has surely changed since I was a kid the memories I have are foggy and pieced together, but happy ones. I remember we used to roller skate everywhere.. We got up strapped the skates on and took off.. We used to have this big hill by our house. We would skate up to the top and zoom down with no regard of traffic.. I remember skating to the sand dunes then walking across to the elementary school on the other side. I remember my friend David, going to his house and playing video games.. His house was nice, cold, and very clean. That's all I remember of that place. I remember spending a lot of time at grandma and grandpas playing baseball in the yard with my uncle trying to hit the ball into the neighbors pool. We would play house and pretend to cook these weird little bean pods that grew in the trees and kumquats. I remember sitting at the dining room table with grandma while she played cards and watched the weather channel and QVC all day.. I remember skating down to the ditch and looking at the gar fish swimming along. Going to the skating rink thinking I was so brilliant and fast but often getting in the speed team skaters way. I remember shuffle skating, which was dancing on skates.. That was fun, and doing the limbo on skates.. That was funny. When I was 10 we moved to Arkansas. I didn't skate anymore there.. Dirt roads ya know.. I played basketball a lot and we would go play with the horses. I remember riding them down to the pond and feeding them apples and sugar..probably way too much.
I remember joining band in 6th grade. I was soooo excited to get my instrument. I picked a trombone because when the teacher played it, he made funny noises with it that no other instrument did, that's why I picked it. I had a teacher who thought I was poor and openly would call me out in front of the class asking if I needed help with clothes or food. I didn't understand why then, I always had plenty of both.. Now I understand. She was judging me. My best friend was a rich pretty girl that lived on a horse ranch. Everyone liked her, but not me. She still like me though no matter what. She was my best friend. I haven't seen her since I was 13. I have no idea how to find her.. Last time I saw her, I was at the fair with my grandma and she was there with other friends..
I moved to a new school in 7th grade.. It was ok for a while, before I changed. I remember using halloween hair spray to color my hair silver because I thought it would look cool..it wasn't Halloween time by the way. I didn't want my dad to see so I wore a snow hat. When he asked why I was wearing it, I just said because I wanted to.. No more questions.. When I got to school, it had to come off, I felt instantly regretful when I did..that was before everyone started making fun of me. And yes that happened all day.. I remember going to my friend Jessica's house at age 17 and she pierced my eyebrow with a carpet needle.. I even kept the piercing for quite a while too. I ended up getting really sick the next day. My parents assumed food poisoning.. As a couple days past I got worse. I went to the hospital and my appendix had ruptured and I had surgery. I remember waking up during surgery throwing up.. I had complications after surgery and had to go back to the hospital. Now I live with a nasty scar on my tummy. I remember running away a few months later for some boy I didn't know that I had only dated for a month who dumped me for another girl. I didn't understand but I do now..
At 18 I was in jail nearly weekly, always a day a week at least. It was great in the winter because I lived in my car.. I was homeless. I went from couch to couch a lot but mostly in my car.. It was comfortable at least.
I met a guy, after facing off trial barely getting away from prison. Then I started using Meth. I quit my good paying job for meth, I moved in with the guy I met only 2 weeks prior because we parties got drunk and did drugs every day. I remember sitting alone in that house with no electricity smoking pot and reading the biography of Marilyn Manson.. A very good book by the way.. I read it several times that week. I remember moving in with his parents.. They didn't like me.. Why would they? I was a trashy pot head with no goals and no since of giving a shit about anything. I remember coming back to their house from jail, stoned as all get out and they threw me out.. I remember that guy pleading for them to let me back or else he would never speak to them again, so they did.. Those were better times in our relationship. I gave birth to 2 kids with that guy, lots of memories.. I remember 9 years later, the addiction, the alcoholism, it took us to different places. I hated him.. He hated me. I cheated on him and he abused me.. I left him, he still abused me.. I left him for my sobriety.. I have never touched an illegal drug since.. I don't drink but maybe once in a while.. Can't tell ya the last time I was drunk..
I married a good man.. I changed.. I remember changing and how painful it was and the sacrifices I made..
Memories.. They are good and bad but no matter what, they are there whether we like it or not. How you use them is up to you!