13 years and over a million tears

13 years of it. Not all was one drug but it was many. I was a pot head through it all and it is where I began. I did not start using other drugs because I wasn't getting enough from pot. I used other drugs because I thought, I had to. Let me explain... I was mad but sad. I was lonely and unforgiving. I was a nobody, only paid any attention when I was bullied and kicked and it made me sad. I wanted friends who weren't embarrassed to be my friend. I'm sorry that I wasn't like the rest of you. That just wasn't me. I went through spells of lost in wonderland, I made up things in my head to erase what I felt. When I was getting older, I had to grow up but I was still so sad. I screwed up my life and threw away love. I met someone who showed me a new kind of love. It made me not feel, it made me wonder, ponder, and live. It made me not sad for many years of it's touch, but when it did hurt me, it became too much. I became mean, I became evil. I hated, I screamed, I hurt...everyone. I was fury, I was rage, I did not think there was a better way. I let it take me, along with it's close friends. When they were all there, I was not willing to let them end. I gave up and let myself die, until one day, I began to cry. I cried for days, month, a million tears over and over. I was sad. I wanted to go away and never return. I knew it wasn't right, but I could not see the selfishness as I contemplated how I would do it. It made me cry more. Then I knew, I still had love, so I ran away, and became something whole. I still have times I am sad but more of it is happy.