Life!

Life is all we have. If you spend life being miserable, how will you ever enjoy anything? Face your life with an open mind and let the world discover you, then everything will fall into place.

Whats hiding inside

I have done it.. Many times.. Still do sometimes.. Sit there and smile and pretend like nothing in the world could bother me when inside I am fuming. That's not a good thing, to bottle up emotions. Usually the outcomes are worse. I used to lash out all at once, put me in therapy trying to sort out why. I was diagnosed with a intermittent rage disorder. Not fun.. I was told to simply stop bottling up but you tell that to an angry depressed teenager and see how far that gets. It took me many years but I had to help myself. Nothings worse than going to see someone about helping you and all you get is a prescription and them saying, just stop doing that, and that's all...

Reasons....

Life is all about trial and error

Where are you?

Where are you going? Why are you going? Why are you putting on make up to go there? Why are you wearing that, you look like you're trying to get a date..What time you going to be back? Are you taking the kids? Please take the kids... 15 min after I leave... Are you done yet? Where are you? What are you doing there? Are you going to be back soon? Don't forget to get some beer..
20min after that... Are you finished? You need to get back now. You have been gone long enough? You don't need to go anywhere else, wait til I am at work to go, get home NOW.
This used to be what I dealt with daily..or anytime I needed to go anywhere at all. It wasn't worth leaving the house for most of the time. If I stayed home all day I would get told I HAD to drive 35mi down the road to deliver lunch for no apparent reason other than to check up on me.. He has his own vehicle to go to lunch..

waiter, I'll have the reality check please

Holidays

Gosh don't get me started on the past when it comes to holidays.. Nothing but panic, paranoia, guilt, pain, crying... And so forth. Panic because I was usually too high to plan, paranoia that someone would find me out, guilt because I spent too much money on drugs to buy people gifts, pain because of the guilt, and crying because the holiday evening always ended in a fight between my now ex husband and I.. Every year every holiday we fought.. Holidays used to be the worst time of the year.. I couldn't wait for them to go away. I was always worried about it being ruined for my kids but they always seemed to have a good time. They had no idea the struggle that went on inside me. I don't think anyone did.

The cost of addiction

The fear of starting over

About a week before I left my life behind, there were so many thoughts and worries. You can only imagine...

A sobering experience

Grateful for being sober

Sober it up!

Resisting temptation

The Addicted Mind