Looking back at what drug addiction has done.

I hate the fact that I tend to dwell on the past and can't forgive and forget. Writing these blogs has have me a vantage point view into my past and has opened my eyes to a new outlook on my life now.
When I was on drugs I thought very little about anyone else. I always acted them till on consequences later. It also made me too afraid to be myself. I often hid who I truly was because I was scared of what anyone would think of me. I was never myself the 9 years I was with my ex. I always tried to be the girl he wanted me to be which on turn had made me an angry jealous person.
Being on drugs so long had stopped me from fulfilling a lot of the things I wanted to accomplish by the time I was 30. When I was 18 all I wanted to do was go in the navy and be a pilot. That was the only career path I considered then. I even went to a recruiter. But my ignorance for drugs and partying landed me on a lot of trouble with the law which stomped out that dream fire fast.
I never wanted to have kids. I don't regret it by any means but I didn't want to have kids. Drugs also changed that, as I have two from the results of very meth filled days of drugging up and partying. No regret like I said..but it wasn't my path back then. I would like to say having kids did me a lot of good, but it didn't. I still partied and did drugs until my mental breakdown finally fixed me at the age of 29.
After my military dream was squashed and after I had my first son, working at various fast food restaurant and factories, housekeeping for hotels, I decided I wanted to go to college. It only took me a few years to gather the courage to do it, I had horrendous social anxiety issues which kept me from applying.. I finally enrolled. It was a great career path, surgical technologist. It makes good money and works in the medical field for which I always wanted to work. I made good grades, did ok in labs..but I couldn't put down the drugs long enough to pass the random drug test, not to mention I was the only one in class who failed and they all knew I failed. How embarrassing that was. But I failed and I allowed my ex to convince me to pack up and move to another state knowing I couldn't finish school. He didn't care, be hated the idea of me having a good job, not because he wanted to be the bread winner, because he was afraid of me being educated and being able to leave him and support myself.
When I moved away my school have me the option of online classes for another career path and I took it, veterinary assist, I did it, passed, graduated,boom.. As he again made me move not once but twice while I was studying, having to bounce from externship to externship was hard, then moving to a small town in Oklahoma that had no jobs available in the field...I gave up, he was happy,I didn't have a job, I gained weight like crazy, did even more drugs, drank a lot, was sad and hated life, wishing I would have just never said yes the first time he showed me meth. Life would have been much different.
I probably wouldn't have met or married that guy our had kids with him, I would never have met my husband now,I probably wouldn't live in Oklahoma or work where I work, which I would all regret even though I wouldn't know any better. I can't imagine my life being any different now. I don't appreciate the fact that because of drugs I am where I am, but I AM here because of them. Drugs only made my life harder,I loved a very sad life for many years and I faced danger, prison, death, many times. All I am saying is, if you want to be happy and live your life to the fullest, drugs can and will stop that. I am starting over. I started living at age 29. It's never too late for you.