I am not the kind of person that prays to God for help. I personally believe you are the only one who can fix your life. You can always look to help from others but YOU are the one who has to do it, not anyone else, not God...YOU. A few months after the big alcohol related incident in May of 2011 when my ex husband literally tried to kill me, I sat at home one day sitting at my dining room table in the corner, staring out the window, joint in one hand, my other hand over my face. I honestly had no idea what I was going to do about my future. I probably cried for hours. My then husband was at work, one kid at school, my other son was watching a movie in the other room. I actually had expected my now husband to be coming down to visit me that day. I had spent the entire morning scrubbing my house floor to ceiling, spent forever dolling myself up, waiting, only to receive that phone call from him saying he couldn't make it. I was so beyond upset, I lighted up my first joint I had in 2 months. I know that isn't so long but I had quit smoking and doing drugs 2 months prior. I had always had issues with bad luck/karma. I always blamed myself and my bad habits and doing bad things that gave me my terrible luck. I was planning to leave my husband at that time. My future husband (I didn't know he was going to be that person then) was helping me get out, but when he told me he couldn't make it down that day, I honestly assumed it wasn't because he didn't have gas money like he said. (We lived 80 miles apart) I assumed he was meeting another girl and I was just being blown off. It hurt my feelings, I started getting high again, thinking there was no point in bettering myself because I was going to be stuck with a man I hate, in a town I hated, in a lifestyle I hated. Soon after my now husband, the one who blew me off that day, told me he wasn't so sure after all about me coming to live with him. When he told me that, my stomach sank, I got angry and sad and told him that we would never see each other again. It was over. I cried a lot that day. I really liked this guy.. But, at that moment for me, it was over. I instantly walked over to the drawer where we hid all the drugs and paraphernalia from the kids, and lit up.
It is sad how something that can seem so minor to you, can internally injure someone so much that they give up on everything they tried to do to fix themselves. I was desperate to leave my husband, I hated the very thought of him being in my life and his drinking and drug habits made me even madder. The fact that he refused to respect my pleads with him to quit for his family made me hate him more. I sat there that whole day in a daze, staring out the window at the dining room table once again, getting high, crying, depressed. Although my now husband told me that he wasn't sure either way, so there was still a chance, I just thought, he didn't want us there, period. He told me he wasn't sure if I was who he wanted to be with. Already depressed about my self, I was overweight, my hair was a nasty mess, (My ex husband always required it to be blond..I am a natural dark brown) I had bad skin, bad teeth.. you name it, I was a mess. I thought I could never match up to my new husbands ex wife, or other girls he was dating. I just gave up on everything.
It was a night of my ex husband coming home from work, once again telling me he was going to be getting some meth from someone he worked with and sitting there guzzling Jack and Coke, rum and Coke, beer...getting high... I started talking once again to Aron, (My husband). He finally told me I could go ahead and come if I wanted to. I was ecstatic, my eyes opened wide, I planned and prepared. I started applying for multiple jobs in Oklahoma City, I started looking for housing and anything I could to start my life over. On the morning of October, 16, 2011, I woke up without thinking, started hurrying around packing as much of my things and my kids things as I could fit in a pick up truck. It took me about 5 hours, I left a lot of things behind, but I didn't care and I still don't. I bolted out of there as fast as I could with my kids, my cat, and a small amount of personal items, driving away from my old sad terrible life, to my new happy drug free life.
Looking back years ago and the struggles I went through. I find it hard to believe I spent my entire 20's drugged out, depressed, hating the world and everyone in it. My life officially started at the age of 29. Although it has not been easy, losing my kids in the divorce, having to start completely over, losing my truck, starting a very low paying job, my kids getting moved clear across the country, my wages being garnished; and so on. There was a lot of reason if these would have happened in the past, I would have resorted to drugs as a comfort source. But now I look at the good things that have happened; I married that guy I pined over so much on July 20, 2013. we have made a life together with love and happiness. I see my kids as much as I can, I wish it could be more, but I get what I get. I have been clean for 2 1/2 years, I got a job promotion, I write this blog, I wrote a book...Most importantly, I am happy and drug free!
When you feel lost and think there is no way out, you have to look at the good things. Even if you think there isn't anything good to look for, dig deep. The way to blot out the bad is not through drugs or alcohol. It doesn't solve anything. It only makes it worse. Next time you go to light that joint, pike up the pipe, cut out that line, or fill that syringe, think about if this is really how you want to spend the time you can spend making life better. There is always a way out!
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