Victim of my addiction

I sound like all I do is blame others for my addiction sometimes,  I know that is not fair. I was my own worst enemy. I didn't make a whole lot of effort to be better. I was lazy. I was simply aided into my decision process, manipulated often. Yep I was a dummy and fell for it every time. It took me so long to wake up! But I allowed so much, boy was I a wimp!
I remember always trying to make it sound like I wasn't using anymore and it was all his fault. I didn't want the responsibility on my back. I wanted so badly to look better. I learned in order to get something you really want, it takes effort. I just expected to snap my fingers and it would work. Yeah.... nope it sure didn't. ..

Wanting to help addicts

Oh yes, I have people that believe I am only doing all of this for attention. I have people that believe I don't really care about helping addicts, that I just desire the attention and respect and plan to just make money off of it..
It is sad how people are so easy to assume that there is no one out there that truly just wish to help people so they don't have to go through the experiences I did. I don't need attention, I don't tell my stories for people to say, I'm sorry or you are so brave..no I tell them for the reason that people may be able to relate and find a way out, I tell them so people don't go down the road I did.. I tell them because they are meaningful. My only hope is that someone's life will be changed.

Leading the sober life

Evolution of an addict

When I first started really using drugs more than just socially, I used to HAVE to get high before I went out to eat, before friends came over, before doing anything. I thought that was bad enough,  gosh was I dumb! That was how I was used to having fun...no way I was gonna do it sober.
  Then it evolved to I have to get high before I get out of bed and face the day, I have to get high while I make my kids breakfast, I had to take dope to work with me to stay high. All day..I was a complete wasted idiot.. yes idiot.. I laugh at myself now but back then it was my way of life. Sad...
So once I finally realized my entire 20s was a complete load of crap and that needed to change, my whole idea of being transformed.  It was like breathing for the first time!

When you accomplish being rid of drugs

Sadly I spent many of my traveling days as an addict. You don't really appreciate the beauty of things when you are high.. at least I didn't. . Now being sober even a walk in the woods makes perfect peace with me again like it did before I started using. Funny how that works...

Alcohol to borrow in drugs place

Now as I have mentioned previously, I was never much of a drinker. I still have a drink here and there, I just know how to have one or two and stop. I don't like being drunk. As you can figure in the multiple times I moved throughout the 15 states I have lived in repeatedly, finding a dealer was usually top priority for some in our house but it wasn't always easy. Having a stocked liquor cabinet was a constant. It was stupid because I lived with an alcoholic but what can ya do?! I allowed it unwillingly.  Gosh I hate how cowardly I was. It is so sad, and I know people who have no idea who I am now and still consider me to be trash and beneath them.. yes my ex family still thinks that. Ha, if they only knew!
Back then,  I was drinking alone when no one was around because I wasn't alone thinking about how pissed off I was in reality.

Overcoming temptation

Willpower.. that is one thing I never had when I was an addict.  When the drugs weren't in the house and someone would say, wanna get some dope? I said no. But no one ever listened to me anyways and went and got them.. I couldn't say no once they were in front of me. The temptation was there and I was weak. Pretty pathetic excuse huh? Yeah I was a wimp. Unfortunately my ex was and still is a manipulator and a jerk. He knew my weak points and pushed them for his own benefits.  He still does except is has nothing to do with drugs anymore. .
I have talked to several people who says their purpose of relapse is because the temptation is ALWAYS there. I understand not everyone can just up and move away like I did. That is when exercising willpower is an absolute must if you want to succeed.  You have it in you to turn it down. If someone brings it home, make them leave! Don't fear your friends turning on you if you tell them no.  No drugs are worth saving a friendship. ..no real friends will turn on you for helping yourself.