For many years I spent a great deal of time obsessing with the idea of being beautiful. Only problem was I would look in the mirror and see the bad broken skin, the acne, the weight gain growing constantly, the dry dirty hair; all because of what the chemicals in the drugs did to my image. I hated being around people because I felt ugly compared to everyone. Surprisingly for someone who didn't eat much and did a lot of drugs, I was very much overweight at this point by about 70 pounds. My ex husband obsessed with actresses and always reminded me how if I left him he would only go for skinny young college girls on purpose. It made me feel bad, it made me hate watching movies and TV shows which featured beautiful actresses and as we all know in this day, wear very little. I think that is the reason I stuck around so long. I had to grow some self esteem in order to actually be able to leave him and not care.
There was many times I hid from new neighbors and guests because I felt ugly. But there was also many times, people would be invited over with their new girlfriends who were that young skinny college girl my ex would say he liked. When he watched pornography, it was always that young beautiful girl I wished I could be but never was. It was everything... the women on TV, the women in restaurants, the women who came with our friends for bbqs, the women in stores, I was angry and hated all of them, all because drugs had turned me into what I didn't want. I tried to control my weight. I exercised but could never get the weight off.
Drugs turn people into monsters. It turned me into a self hating person who hated everything about myself. Even nearly 3 years after I kicked the habit, I have struggled with being happy with my image. I have dropped a lot of the weight and my skin and hair is in good shape but the reminder is always there. It was what we did on drugs, the way it made me see myself, the things it did to my skin, body, and hair, was terrible. On drugs I constantly was angry with everything. I hated my ex touching me, I wanted to do my drugs then be left alone, which wasn't something that happened often. I have heard many stories of people killing people because they were on drugs, hell it was alcohol that almost got me killed twice. I can't tell you how many times I went on an anger rampage and wanted to do harm due to he fact that I was drugged out.
Drugs make people demons. They make you scream, cuss, attack, react improperly. On Meth it is the smallest things that can make you more angry and rage on anyone who was within ear shot. It would be things as simple as, being out of milk, or losing the car keys, that would set someone into such a severe rage that you attack someone who didn't deserve it. Meth speeds up the body and makes one tense which leads to irritability and which can lead to anger and then rage. The mix of tense and paranoia can lead to behaviors one cannot control while on drugs. So when you hear stories of moms that kill their children because they were on Meth and couldn't get the baby to stop crying, or the man who killed his wife because she did something wrong because he was on Meths all too common. I read about stories all the time, all because some one's drug addiction became out of control. I was there, I know, I was out of control more than once.
Too often I hear people say they feel better on Meth and are happy go lucky. I also hear that their sex drive is ramped up and they love everyone and everything... Those are the people who have never been on a week long stint with no sleep and little food, trying to do more Meth to get by to stay awake to get through to the next day which will cause exhaustion, anger, frustration, desperation, and more. . Meth causes a neurological reaction with your dopamine levels. At first it will increase dopamine which makes you feel good but in time the fatigue and your bodies cravings intensify which increases irritability. Most drugs create this euphoria which hooks the user, it makes them want to use again and again. I know, I was there. Then after time, it makes one a beast with a have to have it attitude, a succubus to the chosen drug. It turns one into a zombie that hates the world because it has completely lost all control over ones self. The drug is the boss, the superior, the dignitary. You are the only one who allows it to do so and it is only you who can control it. Don't allow the drug to consume you. It turns many into an angry person, it made me a slave to its donations and I had no idea what to do about it. I hated living everyday with thinking that was how life was to be. I never knew what happiness was for many years and I was ready to give up. The antagonist had controlled the needy. I succumbed myself to making drugs a part of everyday living and I was a bad person because of it. 3 years later, I became the authority. I am still repairing the damage, but I am much happier without the fear of living life without drugs.
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