My Addiction Was my Security Blanket

y Addiction Was My Security Blanket



For as long as I can remember, I always thought I would be a drug addict for the rest of my life. Even though when I was 16 and took my first drag of Marijuana, I wasn’t thinking it would change my life forever. I know what you are thinking. Who are you to council anyone about the dangers of drug abuse? Well, to answer that, I was a 13 year long drug addict, in recovery and sober for the past 2 years, 10 months. Back then, I would mask my every day pain and depression with my various addictions, whatever would make me feel human that day. Meth, Cocaine, pills, Marijuana, sometimes a mixture, just to name a few. I never liked Methamphetamine, but it was my first choice. It always made me numb inside, therefore, I would suppress my better judgment and inhale, inject, smoke; whatever it took to get it inside of me.

As you can imagine, this caused more grieve than it ever did good. I became a slave to my addiction and the people that were feeding that wolf knew that; they took advantage and I was too high to get it; that or I didn’t care, more likely the second one. It was in 2006 when I came crashing to the floor, literally. I was beyond wasted and on days of no food, sleep, very little water, my body was finished and it was off to the hospital I went. Hours and hours later, being pumped full of fluids, you would imagine I would be done. NO! My addiction was my security blanket. I needed it to vanish the harsh reality of the life I hated for a fantasy world of which I would never wake from.
It wasn’t until 2011, being beaten and nearly killed by someone I loved that I realized, I wanted to be free. I looked to blogs, websites, former addicts, friends, anyone for help. It took me stepping completely away from everything I knew about life, moving to a place I never knew and wiping my slate clean that aided me in my sober life. I surrounded myself in a new world of non-users, new career where being sober was highly important for everyday function, I started a blog and reaching out to people all over the world, I alienated myself from my old life and came clean to my family about the horrors I once endured. Becoming open and honest with everyone made me feel like I was unstoppable, being sober made me feel like my life had finally began. At age 29 I finally started living and for the first time in 13 years, I realized I was absolutely fortunate to still be alive and I cherish every moment!

The Ending and Start a New Beginning

From the age of 16 through the age of 29. It may not seem like much to some, but for me, it was a very difficult 13 years. Battling addiction after addiction, testing my boundaries, being selfish and cruel, devious, angry, and drugged out.
I am very happy to be a part of a different lifestyle. One where I am honest, hard working, helpful, caring. I may not always be the easiest person to be around. I do get angry, rude, and downright mean sometimes. It is all reflected on a hard past and trying to let that go.
I hope I have inspired you! I hope I can reach out, I hope you will feel like you can ask me questions, if you are in need of help. I know how hard it is to get help. I did most of it on my own. I didn't have support quitting drugs. I didn't have anyone to guide me, so in turn I turned one addiction into another and another. Don't let this happen to you. I close my drug addiction blog with this; there is no better time than now. No more excuses. Help yourself before it is too late. Drugs destroy lives, drugs harm loved ones, drugs devastate your past, present, and future, drugs mame, drugs impact you in more ways than you will ever know, drugs take you to dark unforgiving places, drugs KILL. Don't become a stigma, seek help. Reach out, get clean, change YOU!
I will be soon beginning my manuscript for my addiction book which will be entitled, Answering the Call of the Wild: Breaking Drug Addiction.
I will also be starting a blog for consultation on abuse and attempting to reach out to those who are too afraid to walk away from abuse or don't know where to turn for help and recovery. It will be entitled: Pushing Back: Abuse and Control

St. PATRICK'S Day, not an excuse to "fall off the wagon"

Today is March 17th, St Patrick's Day. I know many people that don't know the meaning of the day. most people I would talk to would say it is just a drunk holiday. an excuse to go out and party drink and do other things.
St. PATRICK'S day is a cultural and religious holiday celebrated annually on 17 March, the death date of the most commonly-recognised patron saint of Ireland, Saint Patrick. It is a day of feasts and celebration.
So if you are going to go out and get drunk and party, please do so responsibly. don't drink and drive, don't use the day as an excuse to do drugs because that is definitely not what it is here for.
Happy St Patrick's Day!

The "Ecstacy" of addiction

There was only a short period of time I took ecstasy. Those little colored pills with cute symbols on them...I started taking them because I heard they make you want sex more and make it much better.. me, with a terrible sex life with my now ex husband was looking for any reason to improve things.
Little did I know that they do improve the mood, nothing can change someone's below par performance... that was a pathetic reason to take the things in the first place, but an addict always looks for a fix to cure all discrepancies.
Ecstasy raises the body temperature, quite a bit actually. It cooks you from the inside. Many people have dropped dead from using the drugs and being highly active. The body boils and the spine and brain shuts down. It can cause seizures, spinal damage, brain damage, paralysis, organ failure, death...so why take this drug you ask? Any addict looking for that ultimate fix, aka ecstasy...for what it is named..Will sought after these little pills. I know I did. Luckily I never experienced any of those symptoms. An unfortunate mix of ecstasy and cocaine landed me a very embarrassing and frustrating trip to the hospital for severe dehydration, kidney problems which led to stones, UTI, and other infections, abscesses..boooo!
You ask why, I took the pills again? Because I was looking for the high, man... but on a serious note, next time you think that doing ecstasy is a fun idea, imagine yourself sweating and I mean severely...more than you have ever sweated in your life, imagine your body inside struggling, panicking to cool itself down but it can't so it starts shutting down different departments to keep other more vital areas alive until those give out from over working themselves, imagine the room spinning so fast and going black for long moments, the fear, and pain you feel when you realize you may be dying...imagine what it would do to your loved ones, when you die because of a poor choice to eat this little pill, just to have fun...Is that what you want to be remembered for?
Or you can imagine a clean drug free life with less worry, less pain, you find yourself going to Starbucks for that coffee, or in my case, to the department store for that handbag addiction fix rather than your dealer for that pill addiction.. it's much cheaper that way too..
you have a better chance of survival and less risk on your body. Plus you will feel and look better, your opportunities in life are much better, you don't have to hide from your family until you feel better and don't look strung out.. You won't have to fear job interviews and drug tests cuz we all know how scary that can be when you are dirty..
Just do your body a huge favor because it is yours and your have to love it, don't destroy it by eating ecstasy, or any other drugs that are not for medical use...just don't, let it go..walk away, you won't regret it.

Looking back at what drug addiction has done.

I hate the fact that I tend to dwell on the past and can't forgive and forget. Writing these blogs has have me a vantage point view into my past and has opened my eyes to a new outlook on my life now.
When I was on drugs I thought very little about anyone else. I always acted them till on consequences later. It also made me too afraid to be myself. I often hid who I truly was because I was scared of what anyone would think of me. I was never myself the 9 years I was with my ex. I always tried to be the girl he wanted me to be which on turn had made me an angry jealous person.
Being on drugs so long had stopped me from fulfilling a lot of the things I wanted to accomplish by the time I was 30. When I was 18 all I wanted to do was go in the navy and be a pilot. That was the only career path I considered then. I even went to a recruiter. But my ignorance for drugs and partying landed me on a lot of trouble with the law which stomped out that dream fire fast.
I never wanted to have kids. I don't regret it by any means but I didn't want to have kids. Drugs also changed that, as I have two from the results of very meth filled days of drugging up and partying. No regret like I said..but it wasn't my path back then. I would like to say having kids did me a lot of good, but it didn't. I still partied and did drugs until my mental breakdown finally fixed me at the age of 29.
After my military dream was squashed and after I had my first son, working at various fast food restaurant and factories, housekeeping for hotels, I decided I wanted to go to college. It only took me a few years to gather the courage to do it, I had horrendous social anxiety issues which kept me from applying.. I finally enrolled. It was a great career path, surgical technologist. It makes good money and works in the medical field for which I always wanted to work. I made good grades, did ok in labs..but I couldn't put down the drugs long enough to pass the random drug test, not to mention I was the only one in class who failed and they all knew I failed. How embarrassing that was. But I failed and I allowed my ex to convince me to pack up and move to another state knowing I couldn't finish school. He didn't care, be hated the idea of me having a good job, not because he wanted to be the bread winner, because he was afraid of me being educated and being able to leave him and support myself.
When I moved away my school have me the option of online classes for another career path and I took it, veterinary assist, I did it, passed, graduated,boom.. As he again made me move not once but twice while I was studying, having to bounce from externship to externship was hard, then moving to a small town in Oklahoma that had no jobs available in the field...I gave up, he was happy,I didn't have a job, I gained weight like crazy, did even more drugs, drank a lot, was sad and hated life, wishing I would have just never said yes the first time he showed me meth. Life would have been much different.
I probably wouldn't have met or married that guy our had kids with him, I would never have met my husband now,I probably wouldn't live in Oklahoma or work where I work, which I would all regret even though I wouldn't know any better. I can't imagine my life being any different now. I don't appreciate the fact that because of drugs I am where I am, but I AM here because of them. Drugs only made my life harder,I loved a very sad life for many years and I faced danger, prison, death, many times. All I am saying is, if you want to be happy and live your life to the fullest, drugs can and will stop that. I am starting over. I started living at age 29. It's never too late for you.

The Addiction "Expert"

I really don't like reading blogs where average Joes introduce themselves as an expert simply because they spent a great deal of their lives on a particular addiction. Experts are those who spend days upon days researching the field, that get paid and it is their job to coach about addiction, not someone who thinks of it as their personal life story to share and profit from.
I have read blogs from all over of people who claim they are experts but are just your average run of the mill former addict, like myself. I do not claim to be an addiction expert. I simply share my stories and offer to help any one who seeks it.
People don't realize that getting over an  addiction shouldn't have to cost you money. a lot of people have said, I cannot afford to get help. Well expert or not, you should never have to pay for coaching if you can do the work yourself,  but you have to be dedicated to it.
No addict is the same, you yourself has to be ready to quit. You can't expect a coach or expert to make you quit, that's not how it works. Blogger success stories do give helpful hints on that first step, but they aren't going to make you quit, God is not going to make you quit, you can ask him, but its always up to you. There is always help to get started for free. Blogs are the perfect example of a starting ground. If you still need help and you feel the severity of your case needs medical attention then it is time to seek professional or a doctor. Admitting you have a problem is step 1. Pre-treating is step 2. Don't let anyone who isn't certified and licensed talk you into paying for their services. They are just trying to make a buck when their services are probably online free somewhere.
I am not an expert, I will not portray myself as one or say I am for publicity. I am just a simple blogger with a story and an idea. Any person like myself can help you start your first steps in recovery, and the best part about it, is we are free! I am not trying to step on the toes of any counselors or doctors because what they do is great, I am just saying, most people I have known have said, I can't seek help because I can't afford to. Or they say they are embarrassed, self help is a guide and you can do it in private, it is ready and waiting for you everywhere, all you have to do is take that first step then go forward from there. You cannot go backwards in life, there is only forward, how you plant your path is up to you, the sooner you fertilize that field, the faster you dreams of being sober will grow.

Drug addiction is drug addiction, no matter what kind

I hear a lot of people tell me that certain drugs are not habit forming, that they don't have an addiction just because they only smoke pot or they only eat pain pills.. well a drug addiction is a drug addiction no matter what kind. Don't feel bad, you are not alone. I spent a great deal of my life arguing that marijuana is not habitual and that it's not really a drug. Well, it is. Although pot has benefits and helps people with medical problems, it is still a drug none the less. I have talked to people who say they are not an addict because they don't do heroine, methamphetamine, cocaine, and so forth. It doesn't matter what poison you pick..if you abuse it and can't make it day by day without it, then you are an addict. I used to always say I could quite anytime, I am not an addict, I don't like drugs so I don't need them. I was always fooling myself. Although I honestly did not like doing cocaine or meth, I still desired them from time to time. Marijuana was something I never thought I would go without.
I have spoken to many people in my lifetime that try and say they aren't addicted to pills but when they do them they do too many and when that isn't enough they crush them and snort them and when that isn't enough they cook them down and shoot them up. To me that sounds like an addict.
My favorite is the ones who say they only use drugs on the weekends or at parties, it's not something they need, like an addict would say, I need it. It's the fact that when they get the drugs on the weekends and they run out by Saturday night and come Sunday morning they frantically make phone calls and drive to wherever it takes to get more, that is the addict in them. I have been there.
So even though you may say, oh this isn't a bad drug, it helps people. Yes it may, if it is prescribed to you for a medical condition then yes, it helps. If you say, oh I only do this a few times a month,I don't need it, but you look forward to that weekend just so you can get that high, then yes, that is the addict in you creeping out.
Don't feel bad, we have all been there and said similar things to make it seem better, but you are only fooling yourself. A drug is a drug, no matter what. Little weight loss pills you can buy from Wal-Mart, laxatives, those are even easily abused drugs. Yes they are drugs. But it's when you use them for reasons other than their intended medical needs, it makes you the abuser and some day, the addict. Drugs such as meth and heroine that are manufactured with the intent of getting high and have no medical value are chosen by the person who looks for that addiction and they don't even know it until it's too late. Most people don't start off taking drugs by slamming heroine, it's usually led on by not getting a satisfying dose of the usual stuff, which in turn creates the addict. The term drug gets used wrong mostly and people associate it as being a bad thing. Remember, it's only bad, if you make it bad.

Sitting in the Corner With Your Hands on Your Head: Looking for Help to Escaping Addiction

I am not the kind of person that prays to God for help. I personally believe you are the only one who can fix your life. You can always look to help from others but YOU are the one who has to do it, not anyone else, not God...YOU. A few months after the big alcohol related incident in May of 2011 when my ex husband literally tried to kill me, I sat at home one day sitting at my dining room table in the corner, staring out the window, joint in one hand, my other hand over my face. I honestly had no idea what I was going to do about my future. I probably cried for hours. My then husband was at work, one kid at school, my other son was watching a movie in the other room. I actually had expected my now husband to be coming down to visit me that day. I had spent the entire morning scrubbing my house floor to ceiling, spent forever dolling myself up, waiting, only to receive that phone call from him saying he couldn't make it. I was so beyond upset, I lighted up my first joint I had in 2 months. I know that isn't so long but I had quit smoking and doing drugs 2 months prior. I had always had issues with bad luck/karma. I always blamed myself and my bad habits and doing bad things that gave me my terrible luck. I was planning to leave my husband at that time. My future husband (I didn't know he was going to be that person then) was helping me get out, but when he told me he couldn't make it down that day, I honestly assumed it wasn't because he didn't have gas money like he said. (We lived 80 miles apart) I assumed he was meeting another girl and I was just being blown off. It hurt my feelings, I started getting high again, thinking there was no point in bettering myself because I was going to be stuck with a man I hate, in a town I hated, in a lifestyle I hated. Soon after my now husband, the one who blew me off that day, told me he wasn't so sure after all about me coming to live with him. When he told me that, my stomach sank, I got angry and sad and told him that we would never see each other again. It was over. I cried a lot that day. I really liked this guy.. But, at that moment for me, it was over. I instantly walked over to the drawer where we hid all the drugs and paraphernalia from the kids, and lit up.
It is sad how something that can seem so minor to you, can internally injure someone so much that they give up on everything they tried to do to fix themselves. I was desperate to leave my husband, I hated the very thought of him being in my life and his drinking and drug habits made me even madder. The fact that he refused to respect my pleads with him to quit for his family made me hate him more. I sat there that whole day in a daze, staring out the window at the dining room table once again, getting high, crying, depressed. Although my now husband told me that he wasn't sure either way, so there was still a chance, I just thought, he didn't want us there, period. He told me he wasn't sure if I was who he wanted to be with. Already depressed about my self, I was overweight, my hair was a nasty mess, (My ex husband always required it to be blond..I am a natural dark brown) I had bad skin, bad teeth.. you name it, I was a mess. I thought I could never match up to my new husbands ex wife, or other girls he was dating. I just gave up on everything.
It was a night of my ex husband coming home from work, once again telling me he was going to be getting some meth from someone he worked with and sitting there guzzling Jack and Coke, rum and Coke, beer...getting high... I started talking once again to Aron, (My husband). He finally told me I could go ahead and come if I wanted to. I was ecstatic, my eyes opened wide, I planned and prepared. I started applying for multiple jobs in Oklahoma City, I started looking for housing and anything I could to start my life over. On the morning of October, 16, 2011, I woke up without thinking, started hurrying around packing as much of my things and my kids things as I could fit in a pick up truck. It took me about 5 hours, I left a lot of things behind, but I didn't care and I still don't. I bolted out of there as fast as I could with my kids, my cat, and a small amount of personal items, driving away from my old sad terrible life, to my new happy drug free life.
Looking back years ago and the struggles I went through. I find it hard to believe I spent my entire 20's drugged out, depressed, hating the world and everyone in it. My life officially started at the age of 29. Although it has not been easy, losing my kids in the divorce, having to start completely over, losing my truck, starting a very low paying job, my kids getting moved clear across the country, my wages being garnished; and so on. There was a lot of reason if these would have happened in the past, I would have resorted to drugs as a comfort source. But now I look at the good things that have happened; I married that guy I pined over so much on July 20, 2013. we have made a life together with love and happiness. I see my kids as much as I can, I wish it could be more, but I get what I get. I have been clean for 2 1/2 years, I got a job promotion, I write this blog, I wrote a book...Most importantly, I am happy and drug free!
When you feel lost and think there is no way out, you have to look at the good things. Even if you think there isn't anything good to look for, dig deep. The way to blot out the bad is not through drugs or alcohol. It doesn't solve anything. It only makes it worse. Next time you go to light that joint, pike up the pipe, cut out that line, or fill that syringe, think about if this is really how you want to spend the time you can spend making life better. There is always a way out!