Why do we need so much attention?

As a teen I didn't really get a whole lot of attention unless it was negative attention.  I was picked on and called names and laughed at every day. I wanted so hard to be liked I usually made up a lot of random crap that I thought people would be impressed by. Stupid teen ignorance right? Well if you have ever been in my shoes you know how bad it feels to get called nasty things all the time and never feel good about yourself except for inside you own fantasy world. My problem is, I just took it too far.
As of the age of 18 I would go to parties and drink and do drugs because I got attention when I did. My life flipped and I was popular for a change but it wasn't a good kind of popularity. Most girls hated me, any employer I had hated me.. I used people who tried to help me and that got me no where. I was still desperate to fit in that I did whatever I had to to get by. Eventually I ended up homeless and did anything I had to to survive.. that included a lot of stealing, lying, and cheating.
As I grew up a little and was a full blown addict I would get bored with my mundane life and would hang out with younger girls and I would eventually start acting like them because well, it got attention. . That attention usually became problematic and led to doing things I shouldn't have and making bad choices I tried to correct later on.
In this day I could care less if I get the attention I used to crave. I hope for attention from publishers and readers and that is only because I wish to help people. Positive attention is all I ask for but I am not willing to lie and manipulate to get that..

Having feelings

When I was an addict there wasn't much that I cared about or appreciated. I travelled so much around the country that the only way I could enjoy things was when I wasn't high, which wasn't often sadly. It is pathetic how little I enjoyed anyone or anything. I knew drugs made me so pissed off but yet I still did them.

name change

To anyone who reads me regularly I have changed my blog address to fit the name to www.spiritofasobergirl.blogspot.com. Thank you all for reading, you have no idea how much it means to me!

Inspiring myself and others

Another clean day

Time to step up

What can it hurt?

I used to always hear people say, "I have been doing meth or whatever drug
for ___ years.. I have never had any problems. ." As you look at them and see their rotted teeth, a few missing,  their bad oily skin, scars on their arms and face, they cough all the time.. not any problems huh?? Hmmmm

Death by addiction

Drug sales in America

Who are you driving next to?

A much more simple life

I remember fearing the days when I didn't have the money for drugs and the thoughts of going without for a few days.. I would endlessly dig around the house looking for little bits of anything just for a little bit. I got so greedy that I would start hiding a little in a secret stash my now ex didn't know about so I had some for me. I used to have to stop everything I was doing before I could ever leave the house to just get high. Sad...

Let's try this

We all love trying new things but when it comes to getting sober that is one thing many people fear. You have no idea how good sober you'll look on you until you try, so go on, get your butt to a meeting, ask for help and seize the day. Carpe Diem!

A little bit goes a long way

I never considered myself to be weak or spineless until I started writing about my past. Though I am definitely a lot stronger and more courageous than I was I used to consider my self "in control". Wow was I WRONG.  The day I quit using for the last time I would have never thought on the day before that, that I would actually go through with it. As I have written before, on that morning I packed up everything I could and bolted at 80mph away from that house and the man I was married to. It was my ONLY choice. It took me years of contemplating and telling myself I couldn't do it, to actually just not think about it and go. I didn't have a plan.. just my own spark that ignited on a very damp and sodden surface that day. I am very proud of myself for finding my strength.  I wouldn't go back to that life for anything in the world.

Birthday addicts

As some may know, today is my birthday.  I never liked birthdays and it has nothing to do with getting older. When I was an addict birthdays for me were usually spent sitting around being bored all day watching movies my ex picked out that I didn't like then going out to eat at a restaurant of his choosing.  Nothing more... no gifts, no cake. .nothing.  If I ever did get a gift it was usually one of his friends he invited over to hang out without asking me that I would have to cook for and clean up after who would bring me drugs as a present..not that I wanted them, but as an addict I guess they all thought that is all I cared about. It sucked! I ended up usually spending my birthday hiding from everyone or pretending I had grocery shopping to do so I could get away from my ex and his friends. The last 2 birthdays have vastly improved. I am still not used to hearing,  what do YOU want for your birthday? Or what would YOU like to do today. I always feel guilty because I never know what to say. Is that sad?

Becoming the recovered

There really is no greater feeling to an addict,  one that has been through so much, that has nearly lost everything or has..one that has given up on life because they had no where to turn and no one to help them, one that has been broken until they hit the ground hard, than to say I am recovered and I am no longer an addict.

The path for you

WEBPAGE WEBPAGE WEBPAGE!!

I HAVE A WEBPAGE! YAY. DON'T PICK ON IT, IT IS NEW AND STILL IN THE MAKING! COME GIVE ME YOUR THOUGHTS AND LOVE AT:

http://thespiritofasobergirl.yolasite.com

Being proud of drug addiction

I gave up a lot of things for drugs. I never realized that until after the fact that I quit and had to make it out there. When I was an addict I strutted around everywhere I went, and that was a lot of cities by the way. I thought I had it goin on for sure. Boy was I sorely mistaken. I had a crappy degree that wouldn't even get me a job in that field. I got turned down for damn near every job I applied for in that field because it wasn't good enough. I could only find work at low paying junk jobs that teenagers were usually hired for. I did them because I thought I would make it but people often ridiculed me saying I was too old to be so undereducated so they we r gonna promote the 21 year old college kid instead. Do you have any idea how BAD that feels? I realized because of drugs I gave up a good paying career path. Starting over in life nearly 30 years old was HARD. It still is! I am STILL working my ass off for not much pay. I am going back to school that I won't finish for a few years and I turn 32 in two days. I got so behind in life that it makes me angry everyday.  All I can hope for is my writing career to take off.. at least that is what I want more than anything. It takes work and thanks to drugs I have to prove myself even more in a market that caters to younger and younger candidates.
Don't let drugs take away your future please. If it already has, then I am sorry. There is still time to fix it.

Dreading the sunrise

Morning, dawn, daylight. ..I despised it. I would stay up all night on meth or coke and would remember saying that I didn't want anymore after the one so I could still get some sleep. That NEVER worked. I was cranky on dope usually but as soon as it wore off I would feel even more cranky and worn down so much that I would do "just 1 more" because I wanted to party more.. that would last normally til about 5am, when we usually ran out. Then by then it was time to go to work. I would see the sun start to come up through the curtains and just be so mad at myself. I knew I would have to spend the rest of the day, an 11 hr work shift outside just scraping to stay awake. I used to sneak off to take short naps during the day. Ya that sucked. Then going home and taking care of kids was even more depressing. I would just want a little more just to get through the rest of the day, then the whole cycle started over again.. same thing the next night and the next..

When I was an addict

I was once...

Recovery in the beginning

Everyone is different in the recovery process. It all depends on how you help yourself. I never went to meetings or had a mentor.. I just walked away from it, walked away from the influence, and walked away from my entire known life. Yes I was terrified. I had no idea what was going to happen the next day, a week, a month later. I don't know how many times I changed my mind before I actually left..probably a hundred times. My first day I cried and cried. Heck I think my first week I cried and cried, my first month I was beyond stressed out. My ex husband went and filed for divorce behind my back after he said he would wait until I had a job and could help myself, he lied. I lost my transportation,  I lost my kids. . I had every reason to start using again. I was done, broken, angry, and defeated. I hung on though. Over the next few months my vulnerability was tested and I thought I had made a giant mistake and at that point I was screwed. Once again, I hung on. After the first year things got easier but my vulnerability turned trust was tested and pushed. I no longer wanted drugs but the reality of the other things I dealt with while on drugs were what lingered. I thought there was no hope for happiness in the world and once again I was depressed, hurt, and angry. It was only a matter of time before I slipped and fidelity something bad or killed myself. I hung on though.  After the 2nd year things began to smooth over. I started seeing changes in myself and another. The road was still curvy and rocky and we had a way to go before it got better. All in all things were easier. I was finding what made me happy again. Now just shy of the 3rd year I feel like being whole is actually an option.  Yes things bother me still, yes there are still problems,  mostly from two very irritating outside sources playing stupid games, but that is life. I feel a shred of trust again. I feel like I have come so far that drugs are the last and most far options I ever would consider to solve my pain. Time will go on and it will be bad and good. I don't expect perfection. I feel when I write I become more and more powerful and less weighed down. It is a process and we all have to take the first step sometime.

Life with drugs is a gamble

Never play games with your life. If you need help with drug or alcohol addiction please feel free to reach out to me. Don't chance it, seek help NOW!

Music for the mind of an addict

Guiding the addicts

Seeing it clearly

The bad feelings drugs give you

Random happiness

No more drugs

I meet people who talk so openly about smoking pot like they think I still use. You have no idea how great it feels to say I don't do drugs until you are there. I used to think I was so cool when I bragged about my drug use. Some friends and I would sit around going on and on about what we used and how much trying to out do each other.  Wow that was so ridiculous! I can't believe how stupid I was.

Quick kick to recovery

My recovery process was a hell bound challenge. I did not go to meetings, I did not have a mentor.. I'm not bragging just making a point. I was dealing with the whole losing my kids in the divorce to an alcoholic ex husband who lied and manipulated people into believing I was the problem. I had already chosen to quit drugs and better myself but he turned me into a monster in the courts and I wasn't allowed to speak in my defense. I was basically told I will lose everything I have and give it all to a man who beat me, verbally abused me, tried to kill me, was an alcoholic and a drug addict and I was supposed to be good with that. That was the hardest point in my recovery.  I had many moments of running away, finding a dope dealer and shooting up enough drugs to kill myself. That was where I was at in Nov 2011, then again throughout 2012. I was very angry and hurt. My name and reputation has been smeared and still has been to anyone who will listen to him. He tells everyone I am a trashy piece of crap who wants nothing to do with her kids. I don't understand why he says this. I don't understand why anyone would believe this. All I can do is just push on day by day and hope...believe...and dream.

The drug and alcohol comparisons

I really don't like reading peoples blogs about alcoholics that compare having a drink being equal to doing illegal drugs. Although the affects alcohol can take on a person being the same as drugs. It can alter your mood, affect your way of life, and potentially be dangerous for your health. The difference is, illegal drugs are just that..illegal. Alcohol is easy to get, it is legal in most places and the affects are much slower on your brain than drugs.
Having a drink occasionally does not make you an alcoholic. Having 1 drink doesn't necessarily alter your abilities.  The effects are usually shorter lived than drugs and play a much lesser impact than someone injecting Heroine or snorting Cocaine.
Heroine, cocaine, meth and its little friends are made of toxic chemicals your body cannot process. Alcohol has many natural ingredients you ingest in many foods. Now I am not saying alcoholism is a good thing. It definitely is NOT.
People have asked me if I drink. I say, every now and then. Do I get drunk? No. Do I drink regularly? No. Can I go out somewhere and turn down a drink? Yes! Having a drink here and there is not the same as having drugs. It is legal!
Now some may say, smoking a joint or doing a line once every few months isn't a bad thing. Yes it is! First of all, you can't just walk into Walmart and buy illegal drugs, therefore you must break the law to get them. That makes it wrong. Even in legal marijuana states you MUST have a prescription to purchase marijuana,  which then makes it medical, not illegal. 
Overall, over drinking,  yeah it is a bad thing.. but people, please stop treating it as, ' if you have one drink, you are an alcoholic drug addict'
there is a HUGE difference!

Dope is NOT cool

I still remember feeling bad for people that were straight arrows, not doing drugs. I figured their lives must be so dull and boring.  I thought it was so cool and fun that I could have never imagined life sober. I feel like such a fool now! I could have accomplished so much more and greater things at a younger age if I wasn't so addicted. I guess we all live and learn. It still makes me laugh though. Life has been the complete opposite of dull and boring for sure!

Genie in a bottle

Victim of my addiction

I sound like all I do is blame others for my addiction sometimes,  I know that is not fair. I was my own worst enemy. I didn't make a whole lot of effort to be better. I was lazy. I was simply aided into my decision process, manipulated often. Yep I was a dummy and fell for it every time. It took me so long to wake up! But I allowed so much, boy was I a wimp!
I remember always trying to make it sound like I wasn't using anymore and it was all his fault. I didn't want the responsibility on my back. I wanted so badly to look better. I learned in order to get something you really want, it takes effort. I just expected to snap my fingers and it would work. Yeah.... nope it sure didn't. ..

Wanting to help addicts

Oh yes, I have people that believe I am only doing all of this for attention. I have people that believe I don't really care about helping addicts, that I just desire the attention and respect and plan to just make money off of it..
It is sad how people are so easy to assume that there is no one out there that truly just wish to help people so they don't have to go through the experiences I did. I don't need attention, I don't tell my stories for people to say, I'm sorry or you are so brave..no I tell them for the reason that people may be able to relate and find a way out, I tell them so people don't go down the road I did.. I tell them because they are meaningful. My only hope is that someone's life will be changed.

Leading the sober life

Evolution of an addict

When I first started really using drugs more than just socially, I used to HAVE to get high before I went out to eat, before friends came over, before doing anything. I thought that was bad enough,  gosh was I dumb! That was how I was used to having fun...no way I was gonna do it sober.
  Then it evolved to I have to get high before I get out of bed and face the day, I have to get high while I make my kids breakfast, I had to take dope to work with me to stay high. All day..I was a complete wasted idiot.. yes idiot.. I laugh at myself now but back then it was my way of life. Sad...
So once I finally realized my entire 20s was a complete load of crap and that needed to change, my whole idea of being transformed.  It was like breathing for the first time!

When you accomplish being rid of drugs

Sadly I spent many of my traveling days as an addict. You don't really appreciate the beauty of things when you are high.. at least I didn't. . Now being sober even a walk in the woods makes perfect peace with me again like it did before I started using. Funny how that works...

Alcohol to borrow in drugs place

Now as I have mentioned previously, I was never much of a drinker. I still have a drink here and there, I just know how to have one or two and stop. I don't like being drunk. As you can figure in the multiple times I moved throughout the 15 states I have lived in repeatedly, finding a dealer was usually top priority for some in our house but it wasn't always easy. Having a stocked liquor cabinet was a constant. It was stupid because I lived with an alcoholic but what can ya do?! I allowed it unwillingly.  Gosh I hate how cowardly I was. It is so sad, and I know people who have no idea who I am now and still consider me to be trash and beneath them.. yes my ex family still thinks that. Ha, if they only knew!
Back then,  I was drinking alone when no one was around because I wasn't alone thinking about how pissed off I was in reality.

Overcoming temptation

Willpower.. that is one thing I never had when I was an addict.  When the drugs weren't in the house and someone would say, wanna get some dope? I said no. But no one ever listened to me anyways and went and got them.. I couldn't say no once they were in front of me. The temptation was there and I was weak. Pretty pathetic excuse huh? Yeah I was a wimp. Unfortunately my ex was and still is a manipulator and a jerk. He knew my weak points and pushed them for his own benefits.  He still does except is has nothing to do with drugs anymore. .
I have talked to several people who says their purpose of relapse is because the temptation is ALWAYS there. I understand not everyone can just up and move away like I did. That is when exercising willpower is an absolute must if you want to succeed.  You have it in you to turn it down. If someone brings it home, make them leave! Don't fear your friends turning on you if you tell them no.  No drugs are worth saving a friendship. ..no real friends will turn on you for helping yourself.