No more getting wasted

When change means everything

The term, drug

The meaning of success

Many people get it confused with assuming they have to be rich or famous to be successful.. Not at all!

Peril of addiction

Love cleaned up my act

Sometimes we need a little bit of hard work..

Over the weekend my husband Aron and I have busted our tails to get our house ready for sale. One big part of our HAVE TO remodel in order to sell was a small bedroom/office space in our house that was VERY badly painted by my husbands ex wife. It was poor quality paint with even more poor quality craftsmanship. The so called art painted on the door looked like a 5 year old trying to draw a cartoon.. Yes mean, but I am painting a picture in your head.. Paint spill on the carpet, bad lines, paint on the ceiling.. Cheap paint, bad color. The pictures actually make it look GOOD compared to reality. I hated going into the room it was so ugly. We knew if any potential buyers saw it, they would leave..
We fixed and repainted and it took all weekend.. Ugh! But it is done and looks so much better and cleaner. It was quite refreshing and a nice way to say, out with the old!
Pics go from first 3 before, last 3 are after.

Recovery makes the heart happy

Staying Sober

I am a very ambitious and adventurous kinda gal. When I want to do something there isn't much that will stop me. I will eventually do it! Even when I was an addict I was still very adventurous. I loving seeing new things or even revisiting things I have seen before. Problem was when I was high, I didn't appreciate things the way I do now. Now it's a very refreshing an emotional ordeal. I like to absorb every ounce of it and lock it in. When I was a user it was more of the whole, yep I have seen it, then walk away.. I'm usually a very fast paced, lets get this done kind of person, but when it comes to discovery, I will slow down any day. When you're high you don't enjoy things like that as much. I am sure that will raise an argument but by speaking by personal experience, there was more of a rush to get it done then go get high again...

Drug and alcohol Detox

Let you voice be heard!

When I was on drugs, I would hide from people. Company would come over and I would faje sick so I didn't have to visit with them. I would get angry when people came over. I didn't like going anywhere and when I did, it was usually rushed. I didn't like staying at one job too long because I was nervous around people.
Being sober was a gift to my own being. I feel confident going out. I feel confident going to work, meeting people..even having guests over isn't so bad anymore. Oh what a feeling!

Learning to love yourself sober

Not being high..

I wouldn't go anywhere without having drugs on me.. I would drive around getting high.. I would sneak off into the woods at the zoo to get high.. I would have to go hide behind the bar to get high.. Didn't have friends that didn't do drugs.. I spent every minute of my day thinking about getting high. Ugh, how miserable was that?!

Before and After the addiction

I remember when I was a kid my ambitions in life were astronomical just like many. I wanted to be an astronaut. I have good memories from being young. I grew up in Vero Beach Florida. It's a nice small Atlantic town. Although the place has surely changed since I was a kid the memories I have are foggy and pieced together, but happy ones. I remember we used to roller skate everywhere.. We got up strapped the skates on and took off.. We used to have this big hill by our house. We would skate up to the top and zoom down with no regard of traffic.. I remember skating to the sand dunes then walking across to the elementary school on the other side. I remember my friend David, going to his house and playing video games.. His house was nice, cold, and very clean. That's all I remember of that place. I remember spending a lot of time at grandma and grandpas playing baseball in the yard with my uncle trying to hit the ball into the neighbors pool. We would play house and pretend to cook these weird little bean pods that grew in the trees and kumquats. I remember sitting at the dining room table with grandma while she played cards and watched the weather channel and QVC all day.. I remember skating down to the ditch and looking at the gar fish swimming along. Going to the skating rink thinking I was so brilliant and fast but often getting in the speed team skaters way. I remember shuffle skating, which was dancing on skates.. That was fun, and doing the limbo on skates.. That was funny. When I was 10 we moved to Arkansas. I didn't skate anymore there.. Dirt roads ya know.. I played basketball a lot and we would go play with the horses. I remember riding them down to the pond and feeding them apples and sugar..probably way too much.
I remember joining band in 6th grade. I was soooo excited to get my instrument. I picked a trombone because when the teacher played it, he made funny noises with it that no other instrument did, that's why I picked it. I had a teacher who thought I was poor and openly would call me out in front of the class asking if I needed help with clothes or food. I didn't understand why then, I always had plenty of both.. Now I understand. She was judging me. My best friend was a rich pretty girl that lived on a horse ranch. Everyone liked her, but not me. She still like me though no matter what. She was my best friend. I haven't seen her since I was 13. I have no idea how to find her.. Last time I saw her, I was at the fair with my grandma and she was there with other friends..
I moved to a new school in 7th grade.. It was ok for a while, before I changed. I remember using halloween hair spray to color my hair silver because I thought it would look cool..it wasn't Halloween time by the way. I didn't want my dad to see so I wore a snow hat. When he asked why I was wearing it, I just said because I wanted to.. No more questions.. When I got to school, it had to come off, I felt instantly regretful when I did..that was before everyone started making fun of me. And yes that happened all day.. I remember going to my friend Jessica's house at age 17 and she pierced my eyebrow with a carpet needle.. I even kept the piercing for quite a while too. I ended up getting really sick the next day. My parents assumed food poisoning.. As a couple days past I got worse. I went to the hospital and my appendix had ruptured and I had surgery. I remember waking up during surgery throwing up.. I had complications after surgery and had to go back to the hospital. Now I live with a nasty scar on my tummy. I remember running away a few months later for some boy I didn't know that I had only dated for a month who dumped me for another girl. I didn't understand but I do now..
At 18 I was in jail nearly weekly, always a day a week at least. It was great in the winter because I lived in my car.. I was homeless. I went from couch to couch a lot but mostly in my car.. It was comfortable at least.
I met a guy, after facing off trial barely getting away from prison. Then I started using Meth. I quit my good paying job for meth, I moved in with the guy I met only 2 weeks prior because we parties got drunk and did drugs every day. I remember sitting alone in that house with no electricity smoking pot and reading the biography of Marilyn Manson.. A very good book by the way.. I read it several times that week. I remember moving in with his parents.. They didn't like me.. Why would they? I was a trashy pot head with no goals and no since of giving a shit about anything. I remember coming back to their house from jail, stoned as all get out and they threw me out.. I remember that guy pleading for them to let me back or else he would never speak to them again, so they did.. Those were better times in our relationship. I gave birth to 2 kids with that guy, lots of memories.. I remember 9 years later, the addiction, the alcoholism, it took us to different places. I hated him.. He hated me. I cheated on him and he abused me.. I left him, he still abused me.. I left him for my sobriety.. I have never touched an illegal drug since.. I don't drink but maybe once in a while.. Can't tell ya the last time I was drunk..
I married a good man.. I changed.. I remember changing and how painful it was and the sacrifices I made..
Memories.. They are good and bad but no matter what, they are there whether we like it or not. How you use them is up to you!

Discussing my addiction with myself

A clean and sober slate

Starting over at 29 was hard. I hated it. I took the first job I could get.. Low paying, crappy.. Most everyone else was 10 years younger than me.. People would say, "why didn't you go to college?" Just assuming I had no education. I DID go to college but couldn't find a job in that field.. They didn't wanna hear that though. Nor did they listen. To them I was a trouble maker and an idiot because I was no where with my life. If they only knew where I came from before they would shut the hell up.
Going back to school at age 32.. Ya it sucks. I wish I would have done all of it in my 20s but that wasn't gonna work for me on drugs and all. So here we go again.. I am starting all over again, but this time it is for a purpose with hopes and dreams. I have a reason to do this. Soon enough you will be calling me, Dr. Wicks.. Haha, sounds good :)

Needing to make an impression

I remember I used to try so hard to impress people, it was exhausting. I couldn't stand anyone telling a story with out having to put in my 2 cents. Gosh that must have been annoying. I have seen a lot and learned a lot over the years. I always have an opinion but sometimes I just like to sit back and listen, nodding my head.. I don't have to tell stories to impress anyone, thats not my goal. I ENJOY sharing and it helps myself while helping you in the end.

Pushing on

The awakening

The never ending search for the drug

A few years back I lived on the road.. Meaning my ex worked on the road, we moved about twice a year to a new state.. I have lived everywhere. You would think the issue with that would be, finding places to live, knowing where stores were, etc.. Nope! Those we never the problem. It was always an obligation to find a dealer.. Always a stupid necessity.. Yep that was life.. Does that sound fun to you?

Sober quotes. Part 2

Sober quotes. Part 1

Lookin the mirror

Smile, you're sober!

Smiling?? Ya I used to hate the thought of it, seriously. I never smiled and when I did I would put my hand over my mouth. Why? Because all the years of meth and cocaine jacked my teeth up. They were embarrassing! Besides that, I didn't have anything to smile about.
So a few years after becoming clean, I fixed my teeth up all nice and made myself have a reason to smile. Ya know, it's not all that bad either...