An addict doesn't appreciate much

No I didn't appreciate anything... I was greedy selfish and expected too much. I don't know why but when I was an addict I thought really high of myself. I don't get it!

Inspiration to quit drugs

How stress can I push the addicted ones

Yes I know, we are ALL stressed out.. stress bites! I am stressed almost everyday but then there are those days where everything just reams you over and over until you explode.  I get those days, they test my ability to stay sane. Sometimes it takes instances and screaming at someone on the phone in a crowded department store to get it out...yes that was my day yesterday but I don't need to dig into details.
I have been pushed and pulled so many times that ever fiber of my being is on the verge on shattering all over the floor. Over the years I have learned to ease myself. Oh it is not easy at all. It takes A LOT of mental training on my part. When I first started using drugs I was diagnosed with an anger disorder that took me 12 years to learn to control. It isn't perfect but it is better. I can balance my stress and anger in the workplace where it is the most difficult because you have to be friendly and focus. Not exactly fun when you have something on your mind, but hey that is life!
Before these last few years, stress was blocked by drug use. The angrier and more depressed I got, the more I took or smoked or whatever I felt like inhaling. I don't know where I would be if that was still my path.

Drowning in my addiction

It got so deep I didn't know what a normal life was, I actually pitied those who didn't use drugs because I thought THEIR life was boring and miserable. I couldn't imagine going anywhere without being high. It got so bad, whenever I went anywhere I made sure I had a loaded pipe with me, even if it was just to the grocery store, I had to be high. I had sunk to an all time low. I knew deep down it was wrong but I didn't know what to do. I was so miserable with myself and my life that I didn't want to live it sober. When I met my husband, Aron, I had ran out the door in such a rush to meet up with him that I didn't get the chance to get high first. The best part was, and I didn't honestly realize this until just now, that not for a minute I was with him, did I think about drugs. As soon as I got home though it was different. Of those few times I drove the 80 mile one way trip to go see him I wasn't anymore concerned about getting high. Sure there was a few times I had a pipe with me but I wasn't anxious to use it. After a couple weeks, it dawned on me that this was my way out. I feel like I pushed my way into his life. I was practically begging him to take me in. I needed help! It worked and I am still here with him, no longer drowning.

Influencing the addict

For some reason everyone since I started this journey I feel like I am responsible for everyone that is starting recovery. I have had others ask for help from me and I believe that is why. When someone says they are worried they are going to slip up, I get genuinely worried and try to talk to them.. I want to help however,  it is not my responsibility to make people do this, it is their own choice.

Everyday I am clean

Hatred from an addict

When I was an addict I only thought I was normal.  I hated people, I hated life, I just hated everything.  I turned myself into a mean angry person. I thought that was normal,  how people were supposed to be so when I saw someone that was just laid back and happy, I avoided them because they were different.  So weird how that works. Drugs and brains don't mix well... duh!

Believing the names

I spent a great deal of my life believing I was worthless. When I was in 7th grade I started getting picked on pretty badly. I was bullied before then but it got extreme when I moved to a new school.  In high school I was called a freak, witch, weird, trash, ugly...almost daily. It was so bad, that I started believing them. My confidence was rock bottom, meaning I had none when it came to my appearance. I tried though, to change their minds. I was a cheerleader, which my peers hated because I was far from your typical cheerleader look, so I gave that up. I was in band for many years, I was good, music was my only confidence, I loved it, but no one in my school cared about the music department so no matter how good you were they didn't care unless you were already a cool kid then they paid attention.  If it wasn't basketball, you didn't matter. Sad I know, how shallow and stupid people can be but that was my high school,  shallow and stupid, many of them were, not all, but many. They made me hate them, some of them I still do, they made me the weird gothic freak I was. I did it on purpose, because I knew they hated it. They made me hate myself, why should I let them win by making me be normal and boring? No one ever defended me...
Through my 20s during my marriage to my ex, it got the worst of me. I was always being put down by him or his family. I wasn't good enough in their opinion. They are snobs who think the world should look up to them.. I didn't and was ostracized for that. My ex would compare the things I did to his mom and his sister and tell me I wasn't doing it right if it wasn't like them. I was always placed beneath them, if there was any arguments between me and his mom or sister, he would immediately put me down in front of them and take their side leaving me to LOOK like the bad one even though I was the one being called lazy and worthless by them..  no one ever defended me then either.
My everything was always on the critical table. To him and them, I was a bad mom, I was bad because I did drugs, but so did he and they pitied him not out him down, I was bad if I had a job or if I didn't. My cooking was criticized, the way I dressed, how I cleaned even if it was HONESTLY better than their way..
Behind closed doors I was not called by my name. I was a bitch, slut, fat, stupid, whore. Everyday at least one or two of those were my name. I was so distraught constantly that I really thought I was ugly fat and worthless all the time. I had no confidence when I went out in public. I never had friends because I was jealous of every girl that came around.
It wasn't until about a year ago that I actually started regaining self love and confidence. I still struggle but coming from nearly an entire life of being called names, how long would anyone struggle?

Drugs make my mind a blur

Through all of my 20s I was an addict. It was the time I used the hardest. It was a time when I thought I needed drugs to get by. Unfortunately the use has had hard lasting affects.  My memory is terrible.  Sadly I can't remember my kids birth weights and times.. I can't remember how old they were when they first walked or talked.. this is something a mom should know right? This is just the tip of the iceberg. I am hoping eventually it will get better...

What "I quit" means to an addict

When an addict can finally sit down and say, I quit, it is a milestone.  What a beautiful phrase when you can say it with meaning. When it hit me, it was an epiphany that blasted through my body and when I said it that morning, I meant it that time.
October 17, 2011 was my sober day. I will never forget how good it felt and how hard it was to walk away from everything I ever knew about what life was...

"Giving back", for an addict, those are hard words.

I was a very selfish stubborn person for a very long time.. sometimes I am still stubborn,  what woman isn't!  In the last three years since I have decided to become sober, I have grown in so many ways. I have learned to care, I understood love for the first time, and I began writing. For me, writing was a healing process, but then when people started telling me I was an inspiration and they wanted my help,  that was when I knew I had blossomed. My duty in life is to help by giving my knowledge through understanding and experience. My hope is to change the world, one addict at a time.

When you aren't addicted, you shine

People that are addicted to drugs or alcohol are more likely to be depressed, stressed, and angry. When you chose to be sober, your eyes light up and you smile so much more beautifully.

Sober is Beautiful

What is your sober date?

That was probably the bravest and most difficult day I have ever faced. I was terrified, rushed, and shaking to the core. I never thought I would be brave enough to actually walk out on my marriage and my home with a tiny amount of money, no job, 2 kids, and my cat. I HAD to though or I would still be an addict to this day...if I would still be alive...

Being sober takes courage

What can courage and fearlessness do for you?

Sober challenges

There are a lot of things I am challenged with daily.. duh everyone is right? The difference now is, I am not challenged trying to make sure I have enough junk in or with me to keep me going to face the other challenges.

Facing sobriety head on

I never said everything was going to be easier after being sober.. I still have tasks and obstacles,  I am just able to focus more on my goals and achieve them without feeling hopeless.

Inspiration on Facebook

I am busy as always trying to get my stuff out there as much as possible.  I have started a page on Facebook that can be found at www.facebook.com/inspiredgirl1.  Please come look, like, and share!

Get motivated to quit

Oh the many many days I wish then that I could have thought like I do now. I would be so strung out that I would wake up for work and ball my eyes out until I convinced myself or my husband said, you're not going to work. That happened a lot. I was a weenie when it came to motivation, aka I had none. I would cry my eyes out for hours because I felt so terrible but couldn't get down enough to sleep or eat so I would feel better. Now I get up no matter how bad I feel, and March my butt to work. I am motivated to be a better person. Are you?

Playing the Game of Addiction

Messing with addiction can be like playing a game, sometimes you win some, and you lose some...some master the game and others think they will outsmart the game. I always thought I was the outsmart one.. then in time I became the nervous guy in the corner holding the handgun in Russian roulette.
In life you should take risks, you should life to the fullest. I didn't understand that early on. If someone is willing to try I will gladly help, as in I will be their dealer (not a drug dealer) but the game dealer in the game of chance, or as we know it better, the game of life.

Travel sober

I have moved more times than I can remember most places. Most of the places I have lived are only remembered by bits and pieces or by a picture. I spent all those years on drugs. I wish it was so easy to go back to most of these places, just to see them again but this time sober and happy. San Francisco, New Orleans, Montana, and so on. I have lived in 15 states and repeated half of them 3-4 times. I spent all those years high.  It is such a shame...

Drugs and the Brain

The human brain is a complex mass of tissue that acts as the epicenter of all human capabilities. It controls the way we speak, walk, drive, eat, our emotions, how we see, and so much more. More vitally, the brain also relays to our other organs and body systems how they should do their job. There is three main sectors in the brain that aid in the everyday function we take for granted.

            The cerebral cortex:

            The sector is divided into different points that control things such as; our senses which enable us to see, hear, feel, taste, and smell. The frontal cortex which allows us to think, make decisions, and problem solve.

            The limbic system:

            This part of our brain allows the capability to feel pleasure, which is very important for it teaches us to repeat actions that are important for us to keep on living, such as eating. It also is activated by drug abuse. It is responsible for the perception of positive and negative emotions also related to use of drugs which alter our moods and feelings.

            The brain stem:

            This part controls how we sleep, our heart rate, and breathing.

            Your brain is a network. It is the logistics department of the body sending messages all over the body via neurons, neurotransmitters, receptors, and transporters. Each playing its role in making the body operate day to day. Drugs are chemicals that interfere with the transmission of natural brain function. Some drugs such as marijuana fools the brain into believing it is a neurotransmitter because their chemical makeup is similar. The similarity tricks the receptors and that gives the drug permission to activate nerve cells, therefore stimulating sensations. Since these drug chemicals are only similar and are not actual neurotransmitters, sometimes the transmissions will be incorrect or abnormal flowing through the network.

            Then there are drugs like Cocaine and Methamphetamines that can cause too many neurotransmitters or prevent the brain chemicals from being reused. This causes the network to be greatly interrupted. This can cause severe strain on the brain trying to do its job. The brain is working overtime to regulate the typical flow of the network.

            So what happens when drug use becomes drug abuse, or addiction? The brain reacts. It has to cope or adjust to survive. It decided to produce less amounts of dopamine than usual along with other neurotransmitters or reducing the amount of receptors. This can be harmful because now the user’s normal abilities to feel pleasure, energy, or fulfillment are disturbed because the brain is now producing less of the things it needs to do this naturally, without drugs. It now relies on drugs to fill those blank spots. The user feels they must use more drugs to make them feel normal. But that just makes them feel normal and they use more harmful drugs to create that intense dopamine high. This is called tolerance.  In the long run the tolerance level increases and the user becomes the addict who will impulsively seek out a stronger chemical to seek that higher level if sensation. They will continually push themselves, harming their brain and body in search of that relief from lowered brain transmission and dopamine. This in turn can lead to overdose, organ failure, and even death.

Seeing the World through the Clouds

Being Strong

When Teens Become Addicts

More and more commonly we see teens using and selling drugs. When I was in high school I started smoking pot. I wasn't often that I did. My friends didn't smoke, I never had any money, and I lived out in the country so it wasn't easily accessible. I first smoke pot with my older sister , but I don't blame her for being the reason I became an addict. I honestly don't blame pot for my future addiction at all. When I was 17 I ran away to live with a boy I liked, I smoked pot with him all the time.
Youths across the nation have been more and more involved with the illegal sale of drugs. The average teen of any race responsible for the sale of Marijuana is 12%, Cocaine, Meth, and other drugs are on average 5%. Teens tend to sell drugs in urban inner city areas to help support their families. Some teens are pressured by peers and even families to be drug dealers.
Many kids feel the need to use drugs because they want to fit in. I have looked through many web sites that are made for teen entertainment and was astonished with the amount of teens bragging about their drug use. Then there are the teens, like I was, who were using drug use as an outlet. As a depressed and angry teen I turned to drugs, cigarettes, and alcohol. I picked up anything that would make me forget about the day. When I went to school, I was made fun of daily, picked on for being different. I was just being what I wanted to be and it was not accepted around me. I was laughed at, I was the butt of jokes all day long, I was even set up intentionally by other kids for the purpose of humiliation. It made me despise people and hate life. I was very angry and hurt but pretended nothing ever bothered me when deep down I was always crying. I started drinking a lot and would use drugs ever time I got the opportunity.
Teens don't understand the dangers of drug use. Most feel like if they only use a couple times, they will forget about it, no harm done. But in situations like my own, the realize it covers and helps forget so using becomes a must, which leads to addictions.
Over time I have talked to many former addicts who said it started out when they were teens and they could never kick it because they didn't want to.
40% of teens agreed that movies and TV shows
make drugs seem like an OK thing to do, according to a 2003 study. Teens who don't like being alone, can't seem to keep themselves occupied, or crave excitement are prime candidates for substance
abuse. Not only do alcohol and marijuana give them something to do, but it also puts them in a state that makes them feel like they are no longer lonely or sad that they are.
Getting drugs is no longer a difficult task since kids can get it from peers, family, and from people on the street. Drug dealers don't discriminate age like cigarette and alcohol dealers do. It is far more simple for kids to get their hands on drugs if they desire it and will the ever popular media trends that make drug use look "cool", teens will work harder and harder to get what they want to fit in, cover up, and trend with the best. Question is, what can we do as adults, and family to get the message to them? We must get the message across that they can destroy and damage their future and that drugs isn't going to resolve their problems and cause solutions to their needs.I am not saying it will be easy, but the sooner you start, the better.

Why Teens Think They Need Drugs

Teenagers today are faced with more stress than they have in many years. With bullying on the rise, the media forcing people to believe they should look a certain way, and internet social media being so influential it is no wonder why so many teens are on drugs.
According to the National Institute of Drug Abuse and Centers for Disease Control more teens die from prescription drugs than of heroine and cocaine combined.  They find these pills for free mostly from a family member.  1/3 of the teenage population get marijuana from someone who has a prescription for medical marijuana. 
They state that by the 8th grade 28% of teens drink alcohol regularly and 16% smoke pot, of which 6% admit to smoking daily. 
50% of teens admit they don't believe using crack cocaine a few times is harmful and 40% don't believe using heroine a few times is harmful. 
So how do we protect our teens from the ever growing number of teen drug abuse? It was shown that of 75% of teens that were taught the dangers of drug use from a relative or close friend were less likely to use than those who were not taught. As parents we must dig deep to find solutions for our children that are stricken with the stress of being kids. If you start to see your child become more distant,  angry, lose interest in their usual favorite activities, or even shy away from friends then it may be time to get to the root of their problem. Most of the time they get depressed over their appearance, loss of a boyfriend or girlfriend, being picked on, struggling in class, or even cyber bullying. This can all lead to drugs. It only takes one time for someone to tell them all their pain can be solved by one little pill, or smoking or snorting this and that. They are vulnerable and scared and whenever they discover it does take away the pain temporarily,  that is when the addiction sets in...

New Fads in Drug Use

In our ever changing world there is always new fads that everyone is trying to keep up with. This is also true about the drug world. There is always demand for something more potent, that will get you to that next level of high.
When I was an addict I chased trends and new drugs all the time. Some were even proven to be more dangerous than the original brand. The popular phase of legal drugs that give you similar sensations as its illegal cousin have erupted tremendously. The ever changing varieties of K2 and its many trendy names are essentially oils poured on various substances such a potpourri that you smoke and it takes less amounts to get you high than traditional marijuana. Over and over the scientists behind this have had to change ingredients to keep it on the legal marketplace. Each time it has caused more problems than it is worth. People having seizures, vomiting, illusions, organ failure, improper brain functions that have lead people to go crazy, and death are just some of the side effects associated.  So why does anyone buy this? Because it is LEGAL and doesn't get detected in urine tests. It is expensive but can be purchased at your local head shop.
Another trend is a rising concern called Budder or Wax marijuana.  This is 99.7% thc that is extracted by butane which is an explosive. This can make one feel as if they are leaving their body, but at what price? Severe psychosis, sleep disorders, severe anxiety, and not to mention again, explosive.  There has been multiple reports on people being burned when they light up. Doesn't sound like something I want to put in my body.
The ever so ignorant idea called "bath salt" which is synthetic cocaine. It is supposed to give you similar experience as you would snorting meth and cocaine. This has been linked to brain damage, seizures, and death, victims were found with blood pouring from their facial orifices while they lie convulsing foaming at the mouth.
So again, why would anyone take such a risk? These synthetic drugs are easy to obtain, and you won't fail a drug test, but is it worth the more extreme side effects than its counterparts? I am not saying using any drug is a good idea. But when people resort to the more legal drugs, they think they are doing a better thing when in reality, they are posing more potentially deadly substances into your body and taking more risk of becoming a synthetic addict.

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The Scary Thing About Drugs

Have you ever done so many drugs that even when you weren't high you functioned like you were? Have you ever been so high you couldn't figure out where you were, even if you were sitting at home? Have you ever developed strange habits you wouldn't do normally that you cannot explain?
There are so many effects drugs have on your brain, it is scary. It isn't just euphoria or slowing down or speeding up. Drugs effect your nervous system causing unusual sensations and loss of functionality. 
There were days I would just sit and stare off, not thinking about anything and once I snapped back I realized 15 min had went by and I would jump up afraid of what had happened in that time I was blanked out. There was this time I was in a hotel in Arizona when I had done such a large amount of cocaine, I sat in the bathroom sweating and shaking for hours repeatedly taking baths trying to get rid of it and sober up so I could go to sleep, but I couldn't. That was scary. There was many nights I would wake up and sit there nervously for a few minutes not knowing where I was. I developed nervous twitches in my body and my legs would quickly convulse here and there for no reason. My hands use to shake hard all the time, my skin was extremely oily and my hair was always dry and dirty, not because I didn't bathe but because my body produced more than normal amount of natural secretions. It was disgusting. 
I have heard so many stories of people killing others while on drugs and not realizing it. I was in jail with a woman who lost all her teeth because she tried chewing through the cage in the police car while on PCP. I was in jail with another girl who would masturbate for men for Meth because she thought she had to, that's what she was brainwashed to believe.
I never felt good, I was far from good on drugs. I was always afraid of people, afraid of working, of kids, of having friends, of the world. The world on drugs is scary, even if you think its a happier place, really take the time to look around and see if it is somewhere you want to live for the rest of your life or if you can improve it through sober eyes.