How the Drugs Make YOU an Angry Person

For many years I spent a great deal of time obsessing with the idea of being beautiful. Only problem was I would look in the mirror and see the bad broken skin, the acne, the weight gain growing constantly, the dry dirty hair; all because of what the chemicals in the drugs did to my image. I hated being around people because I felt ugly compared to everyone. Surprisingly for someone who didn't eat much and did a lot of drugs, I was very much overweight at this point by about 70 pounds. My ex husband obsessed with actresses and always reminded me how if I left him he would only go for skinny young college girls on purpose. It made me feel bad, it made me hate watching movies and TV shows which featured beautiful actresses and as we all know in this day, wear very little. I think that is the reason I stuck around so long. I had to grow some self esteem in order to actually be able to leave him and not care.

There was many times I hid from new neighbors and guests because I felt ugly. But there was also many times, people would be invited over with their new girlfriends who were that young skinny college girl my ex would say he liked. When he watched pornography, it was always that young beautiful girl I wished I could be but never was. It was everything... the women on TV, the women in restaurants, the women who came with our friends for bbqs, the women in stores, I was angry and hated all of them, all because drugs had turned me into what I didn't want. I tried to control my weight. I exercised but could never get the weight off.

Drugs turn people into monsters. It turned me into a self hating person who hated everything about myself. Even nearly 3 years after I kicked the habit, I have struggled with being happy with my image. I have dropped a lot of the weight and my skin and hair is in good shape but the reminder is always there. It was what we did on drugs, the way it made me see myself, the things it did to my skin, body, and hair, was terrible. On drugs I constantly was angry with everything. I hated my ex touching me, I wanted to do my drugs then be left alone, which wasn't something that happened often. I have heard many stories of people killing people because they were on drugs, hell it was alcohol that almost got me killed twice. I can't tell you how many times I went on an anger rampage and wanted to do harm due to he fact that I was drugged out.

Drugs make people demons. They make you scream, cuss, attack, react improperly. On Meth it is the smallest things that can make you more angry and rage on anyone who was within ear shot. It would be things as simple as, being out of milk, or losing the car keys, that would set someone into such a severe rage that you attack someone who didn't deserve it. Meth speeds up the body and makes one tense which leads to irritability and which can lead to anger and then rage. The mix of tense and paranoia can lead to behaviors one cannot control while on drugs. So when you hear stories of moms that kill their children because they were on Meth and couldn't get the baby to stop crying, or the man who killed his wife because she did something wrong because he was on Meths all too common. I read about stories all the time, all because some one's drug addiction became out of control. I was there, I know, I was out of control more than once.

Too often I hear people say they feel better on Meth and are happy go lucky. I also hear that their sex drive is ramped up and they love everyone and everything... Those are the people who have never been on a week long stint with no sleep and little food, trying to do more Meth to get by to stay awake to get through to the next day which will cause exhaustion, anger, frustration, desperation, and more. . Meth causes a neurological reaction with your dopamine levels. At first it will increase dopamine which makes you feel good but in time the fatigue and your bodies cravings intensify which increases irritability. Most drugs create this euphoria which hooks the user, it makes them want to use again and again. I know, I was there. Then after time, it makes one a beast with a have to have it attitude, a succubus to the chosen drug. It turns one into a zombie that hates the world because it has completely lost all control  over ones self. The drug is the boss, the superior, the dignitary. You are the only one who allows it to do so and it is only you who can control it. Don't allow the drug to consume you. It turns many into an angry person, it made me a slave to its donations and I had no idea what to do about it. I hated living everyday with thinking that was how life was to be. I never knew what happiness was for many years and I was ready to give up. The antagonist had controlled the needy. I succumbed myself to making drugs a part of everyday living and I was a bad person because of it. 3 years later, I became the authority. I am still repairing the damage, but I am much happier without the fear of living life without drugs.

What Motivates You? To do and not to do drugs

So what is it that made you start using drugs? Some use do to depression, anger, to escape pain...and others do it for popularity, pleasure, pressure... For me, it was all of the above. When I first started using drugs in high school, I did it because I was curious, and that was the only time I did it for a year. When I was 17, I met a boy and he used drugs. I liked this boy a lot and wanted to make sure he thought I was ultimately cool. I didn't have many friends in high school and not very many boys paid attention to me unless it was to pick on me. When he showed interest, I was willing to do whatever it took to keep his attention. I used drugs for his attention.

When I was 18, I changed. I became, the popular girl. I was thin, beautiful, and fun. I partied damn near daily and whenever drugs were involved, and they usually were, I was right there. I did it for pleasure because to me at that time, it was fun to be high. But soon after, I started using to mask the pain and depression I had everyday. I was homeless and I used drugs and attention to hide from the anger and stress I felt everyday. 

When I was 19 I met my ex husband and he was the beginning of my meth journey. Once again, I did it for attention. From there on I was hooked. I spent my entire 20's staying in a state of stupor. I started out not being able to keep a job to being forced to quit every job because my ex didn't trust me at all. I somehow managed to raise two perfect little boys in all my ignorance. It was because of drugs and alcohol I nearly lost my life, multiple times. Only one of those time was at my own hands, the rest was at someone else's. 

At the age of 29, I was motivated to become a better person. I had finally finished college after throwing away a year of studies and graduating because I failed a drug test. I had to start over again and I graduated finally because I was determined to right my life. I wanted my kids to have the best life they could. That is why I left my ex and moved away from that town and started completely new with a clean slate. Then, after becoming sober and trying to climb back on my feet, my alcoholic drug addict ex husband lied his way through court and I lost the kids in the divorce. To this day I can never understand how a legal system would give a man convicted of alcoholism custody of two children over a woman who has no record or trace on record of drug or alcohol abuse. They didn't know who I used to be. It was a terrible day.

Still to this day I am motivated by my new husband, my job, my writing, my audience, and myself, not to be an addict, not to fall back into that life I ran away from, that I gave up everything in the world to escape from. So what is it that brought you into that life, and what are you going to do to escape it? 

Excuses Some Make Not to Quit Using

I have made excuses throughout my life not to quit using drugs, I have also heard so many. I would like to share the problem and associate a solution for that problem.

1) I don't know where to start.
This is too common. I was in this same boat. Figuring out where to turn for help is scary for sure. Some people, like myself are not open to going to rehab, a doctor, or a minister,  all of which will help you. There are many other solutions. Blogs like mine that you are reading can give someone a place to start. A person who has been there to relate to and read their story. It's always good to see you aren't the only one. Online addiction forums are everywhere,  addiction webpages, support groups and so forth.

2) I don't think I can function without drugs.
I hear this a lot. I used to say it myself and the truth is, drugs usually tend to make a person feel anxiety when they go out into the public. You fear people will notice or you fear getting in trouble so you tend to stay at home. Then there is those who "must" get high before going to work. Once you have trained your body to only work while intoxicated,  it is hard doing the same thing sober. Best thing to do if you are ready to quit is, take a long weekend. Tell your boss you need a few days fpr personal reasons,  they are not allowed to tell you no when it is serious. Even if you don't think you can afford to, do it anyways. The money you save on not buying drugs will make up for that extra day or two off. Take a few days, the first two are usually the hardest m the body has to detoxify.  Sleep a lot, eat, relax. Then go out sober and do the things you normally would. Try to relive the world in a different view. It really is a much more beautiful world when you are sober. Exercise, always helps your body regain energy and helps your brain start working like it should.

3) Others around me aren't willing to quit.
This one is typical.  I lived this one for a very long time. It was the reason it took me so long to quit. If it is a loved one, you should discuss with them your plan and why. Show them how life will benefit from not using. If they still refuse then it is time to sever ties with them. I know it's hard and you love them, but they will only hold you back. If it is friends and they don't respect your decision then they truly are not a friend to keep.

4) I don't know if I can do it on my own.
You are never alone. No matter where you seek advise, someone will be there for you that will not judge you. Sometimes it takes leaving your comfort zone but quitting drugs is already leaving your comfort zone because you are starting over so take it a little further and reach out. It doesn't have to cost you anything if you are strapped for money, there is help and you are not alone.

5) I don't think anyone will be able to help ME.
Don't think that too fast. No matter how deep you are in, there is always someone who has had it worse than you. People that are dedicated to helping you quit are relentless and will not give up on making you succeed. I used to think I was a lost cause. It took a lot of courage and strength the day I packed up and left my ex. I had to do it or I would still be an addict. There was no support there. It was hard and scary but in time you won't regret making the best choice.

Being Homeless and a Drug Addict

When I was 18 I was homeless for a good while. Like I have stated in my previous blogs, I really started using drugs when I was 18. Back then, I wasn't quite yet a hardcore addict but I was still a user. I never had money to get it for myself, ever. I had jobs here and there but they never lasted but a few weeks before I would get fired or before I just stopped showing up. Most of the time I wouldn't show up because I lived in my car. That meant I was exhausted,  hungry, and probably haven't showered yet. I used to go to the Exxon station in town who had an outdoor bathroom and bathe in the sink but that was always difficult.
Most people think homeless people are druggies or alcoholics but that isn't always the case. I did everyone else's drugs and drank everyone's liquor,  luckily I was really pretty so guys would always provide whatever drug I wanted. I was always invited to parties and would go just so I could pass out at a house rather than in my car. I did whatever drug was given to me. It was the best way to make me forget about my situation, at least til morning. I became friends with whoever had the goods. My best friend at the time, Gloria, she always ways my main provider and she never minded sharing. I went everywhere Gloria went and not just because of the drugs, because she had a cool house where I was always invited over, food, she knew all the "cool" people. I was magnetized to her. I do miss that girl. 
Being an 18 year old homeless girl in a small town was crap! I was tormented by the police for trying to sleep somewhere, no one wanted to hire me, the few people that did help me only did until my stupidity got me the boot, which happened often. I was hopeless and I went wherever the drugs went, which could have led me to some very dangerous places but then I didn't care.  What did I have to lose?
I was selfish thinking that, now that I look back. My friends that I kinda had, would they have cared?  I don't really know. My family, I can't imagine how it would make them feel if they could see the things I did, just for a warm place to sleep. I never had the courage to just ask for help. I just took what I needed without remorse.
Don't be afraid to help yourself.  Even if you feel lost and alone, you are not. There is ALWAYS someone out there that will help you. At that Exxon station,  I was in the bathroom bathing.  People kept banging on the door. I was embarrassed to come out, hair wet, dirty clothes in the arms walking to my beat up old thunderbird. A lady approached me that day. She asked if I wanted to come home with her, explaining that she had kids my age and she wanted to help me. I was an idiot and said no, I lied and said I was just passing through town. I passed up a chance to have a home and food. Don't be like me. Don't be afraid to accept someone's helping hand. I know the world is dangerous but not everyone is out to hurt.

Asking for help!

My subject above is something I never dared to do in the past. I was an 
addict for 10 years. I have been sober for nearly three. My addiction was one of the most difficult hardship I had ever sailed on in my life. It still haunts me, it still scares me. I was a monster then. I spent my life revolving around my addiction. I stepped out of bed after not sleeping all night, to get up and go to work, my face sunk in and heavy, my heart hurting, tired, dazed, gotta do another line...get to work, go hide in the bathroom to do another line, gotta rush home to do more dope, not eating, not drinking, no sleep, feeling my body shutting down. I went to the hospital more times than I can honestly remember. Kidney stones, kidney infections, abscesses, chest pains, exhaustion, and severe dehydration that nearly cost me my life one day. I hated everything and everyone. I wanted to die, I didn't know what to do. My now ex husband was no help. He didn't suffer from it like I did. I hated the stuff, he loved it. He always talked me into doing more. I had no spine then, I couldn't, I was a weak fool who cowered under him. I was an addict who wanted to walk away but was too afraid to. I stayed and suffered through it for 10 years. Through 2 kids, a bad marriage that was revolved around meth and alcohol, I put up with it.. I walked away in Oct 2011. I woke up one day and said, "I am on my own, I don't know where to turn but I HAVE to go." This after being nearly choked to death and another event where my life was nearly taken by the man I trusted, I packed those kids, my cat, and a little bit of my things into a truck and bolted. I have never touched a drug since.

This is just a short essay on my previous stories. I am in attempt to open my story to the world. I am in the works of being published in several recovery magazines and world renown addiction blogs. I am reaching out as a beacon of hope for those who need a shining star to find in the darkest cloudiest skies. Thank you all for your reading of my works. Please allow me to help you if I can. Feel free to ask me anything.

Meth Statistics

According to www.meth.us.com 85% of meth is made in superlabs in California and Mexico and use safehouses on Native American reservations to distribute meth into North Dakota. Disgusting isn't it? Meth is a cheap drug to manufacture. It only takes around a grand to produce nearly 20,000$ in meth. Even more disgusting. 

10s of thousands of meth labs have been seized in only the past few years around the country and thousands of children have been taken in protective custody, rescued from meth lab homes.

According to DEA.gov the top 6 states in the United States alone with the most meth labs and incidents found were:
6) Oklahoma (the state which I live in)
5) Illinois
4) Kentucky
3) Indiana
2) Tennessee
1) Missouri

methamphetamine was discovered in 1919. By 1943, both drugs were widely available to treat a range of disorders, including narcolepsy, depression, obesity, alcoholism and the behavioral syndrome called minimal brain dysfunction, known today as attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. 

In 1971 Methamphetamine was classified as a schedule II drug, a bill passed by Congress called the Comprehensive Drug Abuse Prevention and Control Act.

Increased or prolonged use of methamphetamine can cause sleeplessness, loss of appetite, increased blood pressure, paranoia, psychosis, aggression, disordered thinking, extreme mood swings and sometimes hallucinations. Many users become physically rundown, which leaves them susceptible to illness. The discontinued use of methamphetamine by heavy users will create withdrawal symptoms, including severe depression, lethargy, anxiety and fearfulness. Such effects are less pronounced with oral use and in lower dosages.

That is my history on Methamphetamine.. now it is your choice. You can be the addict or break the chain of statistics. I chose to break the chain. So can you!