Why Peer Pressure Can be a Killer

A lot of people start the path way to drug addiction as we all know, because their friends do it or because someone they admire does it. I will admit I started using drugs because I thought it would make me look cool. I wanted to fit in so badly somewhere because I never fit in in high school. Kids do stupid things we all know this but it rarely gets pointed out until someone gets hurt or even worse, dies.
The media puts a huge strain on mostly girls to stay looking young and being skinny. Some girls are naturally small but for others, the dieting and exercise isn't enough. We all know that drugs like meth and cocaine can make you lose a lot of weight fast so desperate kids and even adults will gobble them up desperate to be skinny so they will be noticed. At least that is what their mind tells them.
I read a story about an overweight 17 year old girl who's boyfriend broke up with her for a girl that was half her weight. When she asked why, he told her he didn't like "fat" girls and she needed to look like a model if she wanted him back. She was heart broken so in a desperate attempt to get skinny she found a drug dealer and bought meth. She started binge drinking to where she would throw up a lot. But she was doing meth any time she could afford it. Her parents were always at work and rarely saw her. One day they noticed she had lost a lot of weight and needed clothes that fit. She had dropped 50 pounds. She had been telling them she joined a gym and was spending her allowance on the membership. She had went up to the boy and he noticed her and then told her he liked her body now but she had got ugly so he didn't want her back. She went home that day and purposely overdosed on pills and alcohol. Her parents came home early to take her out and found her dead on the bathroom floor. It was her birthday.
Peer pressure can force people to do things that are wrong, that are harmful, and deadly. Some of us have the power to overcome it, some don't. Any person who is going to tell you you are not good enough for them or tells you you will only be cool if you do drugs or drink, is not a person who you should admire. I know sometimes it is hard not to follow them if you truly like someone but you have to think about the consequences. maybe you will become popular for a minute, maybe you will lose weight, maybe you will make a so called friend, but is it really worth your health, or even better, your life?

Co-dependence Along with Addiction

So I am going off the usual track on this subject. I usually don't rant about codependancy but this morning a came across a blog on Twitter from an addiction group that follows me. They retweeted a blog from a blogger that speaks about alcoholism and codependancy. It was surprising to see if only because I nonpersonally know this person and I usually wouldn't talk about her but this is something I read over and over and I feel it is time for my own opinion on the subject. She was pretty much gloating about the fact that she is independent and no longer needs a man to keep her 'on her feet.' She says, guys ask her why she is single and says she is crazy for it.. she raves about how she doesn't need a man and how she is so much better without one and so on. She says she is miss independent because she is single. Well, if you are single living alone, you HAVE to be independent.  It isn't a life style, its an obligation. But being single or with someone doesn't justify if one is independent or codependant.
Yeah when I was with my ex I couldn't wait to be single. I wanted nothing more than to have the fun single do what I want life...but that didn't happen and I am not complaining.  I met my husband and couldn't be happier. I honestly don't enjoy being alone. I feel SOME women say they don't want or need a man because they have had numerous failed relationships and are trying to feel good about it. They cover up their sadness by filling their time fully from dawn til dusk, they adopt trying to be a social butterfly and become a closet do gooder trying to reach out to anyone and everyone who will give them time of day. That right their does not say, 'I am happy being alone.'
Codependancy as I had it in my past was difficult.  I WAS by no choice a codependant. I wasnt permitted to work so I couldn't just leave and be ok. I was forced to be stuck there, therefore the depression was high and I did a lot of drugs to try and blot out the misery.
When I met my husband now I had no intention on staying in his life. He was my outlet from my depression and drug addiction.  I was a codependant to him. Then I got a job and got on my feet. I could have run around, got my own place, been single, and become that girl mentioned above, but that doesn't make up my personality. I enjoy being with my husband. I like having someone to hold every day. But I am still a strong independent woman no matter what. I am independent because I have a career, I have a serious hobby writing books and blogs, I keep a home clean and cook because I WANT to, not because I have to. I do these things because I want to not because I have to, to get by. I contribute to my relationship,  I care for my family even if my kids are on the other side of the country. I am responsible,  I am independent. 
Being a codependant does not make you weak like stated in a lot about what I read from these blogs. Being single and living on your own isn't what makes you strong. What you do for yourself, what you do for others, how you contribute to society is what makes you a strong independent vibrant person. So stop putting a stigma on people and just focus on yourself and what you need to be, who you want to be!
I don't like hearing woman say, I don't need a man to take care of me. It isn't untrue or misleading.  Any woman can be single strong and independent for sure. But it is the ones who stereotype and gloat about it but then complain about having no one makes you sound bad.

Addiction Associated with Depression

Today I find myself sickened with a severe case of the sad stuff, depression. I have had a very rough past month with unexpected medical bills that were NOT supposed to be there. Unfortunately, my doctors office did not keep up with my insurance and I got hit hard with a big bill I cannot afford. Next I am in the market for a new car and I get a way lower loan than I got the last time, making it practically unreachable to get the car I wanted, then I get slapped in the face with a wage garnishment notification for something I still have no idea what for. All I know is I never ever got a bill for the amount ever, no phone call, no bill, now my wages being garnished? ? Wow! Then, as you know I have written a book that I am trying to get picked up by an agent. I have already received nearly 10 rejections :, (. Then this morning my ex texts me at 4am asking if i can send him MORE money, in addition to the 300$ I will send him this week for child support, saying the kids need clothes. I am sending 300$ buy clothes with that! He continues with excuses on where that money goes. I offer to buy clothes and mail them, I get no response for acceptance of that. Frustrating!
I know these are first world problems on a scale of things that are way more stressful and difficult than my problems, but for me, these are extreme.
Up until only a few years ago, I would have drowned my sorrow and ignored my problems and gave up on my book, bought the cheap car I didn't like, quit my job and avoided the garnishment. ..all because I was fueling my body with drugs. I would just take this as an excuse to go get high, to forget and feel better. I would use drugs as an excuse to ignore my problems, letting them bite me on the ass later.
So many people take up drugs use or alcohol when times become more stressful like mine is now. They find is as an outlet and basically give up on being human not understanding bad things happen every now and then, and as long as we try, we will get through. It is harder and more difficult as my road ahead requires more effort from me, working hard for less pay for the next few months, going through my book over and over and resubmitting over and over. Looking and waiting til I find that ideal car. But I won't turn to drugs for my outlet. I have no interest in that path anymore, Thankfully or my problems with only get worse.
I know times are tough and stress and anxiety make people do bad things in order to escape or cover up their problems.  But the faster you accept them and work through them, the better things will get down the road. On drugs, there is no end, your buried problems will only resurface and it will be ten times worse when they do. Remember,  there is always help for those who need it.

Recovery: The Aftermath

When you first start to recover from drug addiction, as you already know, will not be a walk in the park. Your body will go through a lot of spells of pain, weakness, energy bursts. You will experience mood swings like no other, you will feel like it isn't worth it. Just remember the 'why' in the whole recovery process and you will automatically start to feel accomplished.
The mental strain can have mixed effects on yourself and your family. For the first few days you will feel sick, depressed,  tired, and angry. Give yourself some time to be alone. Get some sleep, your body is a much stronger fighter internally when you are at rest.
Avoid going out with friends for a while, you do not need influence.
Once you have rested up, start exercising. Your body needs to start over. New cells, new blood circulation, kick start that metabolism and immune system. It will be hard at first but you body will thank you and you will have energy and feel good inside.
Start a new diet. I don't mean your typical weight watchers, nutri system, etc. I mean your DIET. The food you eat everyday. Start eating fruit and veggies with meals, avoid greasy stuff for a while. A recovering body will not accept greasy good. It will bog you down. Flush out the gunk in your system by drinking a lot of water and natural juices.
When you feel moods shifting for the worst, if you can, go take a nap. If you can't, sit down and write your feelings down. When you finish, read over it then regroup and see if you are still upset. If you are, then try going for a walk or a drive.
Everyone's case may be different but these are some personal things I have done and tried. I was going through a divorce in which it involved juggling my two kids and a lot of stress. I found myself not eating, juggling work, and crying a whole heck of a lot. (Which also helps) after about a year I took on going to the gym and a job promotion which added to my recovery process. After nearly 3 years of being off the stuff I finally don't have urges. It took all of about a year after I quit to be able to think about drugs as a BAD thing.
If you need help recovering please feel free to ask for help. I can guide you onto a path that works for you. I can give you tools and strength as best as I can. But also look for hope in recovery through other outlets. Find that influence and start being a new you!

How Can You Help Yourself

I know anyone who has tried to overcome addiction of any kind may have researched preventive steps they can take to achieve their goals. I myself found it easier to uproot my life and start over clean slate. That isn't as easy for everyone but for those of you who may be in an abusive relationship or with someone who doesn't support you in your efforts like I was, it doesn't matter how much you love them, it doesn't matter if kids are involved,  you need to leave. Easier said than done I am sure. But honestly you will feel better in the long run.
Other ways to prevent addiction or stop drug abuse is to remove the influence in your life. Stay away from the supplier, I don't care if they are you best friend, your brother, cousin, whatever.  They are not doing anything good for you.

Seek help. Go see a councillor,  a minister, go to meetings, most of this is free but if you have the money for drugs, you can afford to seek the right kind of help.

Take yourself to the doctor.  They will not judge you but he or she can help you in the recovery. They can give you monitored medication to revive your body so the withdrawals aren't completely terrible. 

Get a hobby. For me, I got a good job, then started writing. For instance this blog. I have also wrote a thriller novel. Finding things to fill your time is important. It doesn't have to cost money.  Writing is free!

Reinvent yourself. Go get a new hairdo, buy some new clothes if you can. Throw out all the stuff you wore when you stayed high. It helps psychologically letting go of your old self.

Take a class. Take some social classes such as cooking or painting.  Its cheap on Groupon and it will give you the social skills you need to open up. It also will help you find new friends.

Everything I have done to start over was easier said than done. It was actually quit complex. I left my ex husband and moved 80mi away from him as well as away from anyone I knew that sold drugs. I started a job which after 2 years I am still with thanks to my sobriety. I took up a few hobbies. My husband and I keep fish. We are always buying new ones and learning about them. I also am a writer as you know. I am also starting to take painting classes with people from work. I have fixed my teeth from all the major damage meth did to them. I was in bad oral health, severe bleeding,  abscesses, they were falling out. I have been taking care of my body and going to the gym several days a week. I care about my appearance now, and I avoid hanging out with anyone who is a drug addict unless they come to me seeking advise.

I have spent the past 2 years starting over. It has been a long road and although I am clean, the past is still damaging and i mentally struggle often. Remember, there is always help, there is always a way, seek it and be a better you!

The Will to Overcome Addiction

Having the capability to overcome addiction takes a lot of, well everything. I know, we have all heard the whole speech about having willpower right? I know I have been told many times, I do not have the willpower, that I will say I will do something, but never follow through. I never actually wanted to do drugs the way I used to. I can't sit here and say I never actually wanted to do them period, that would be a lie. There were many times while in my 20's I would get really sick or end up in the hospital being severely dehydrated, or have abscesses, or kidney stones, boy did I have a lot of those due to my failing health from the results of drugs, but there were multiple occasions I would come home and say, "Okay I am done, no more, and I don't want to see it in this house, because if I do, then I will do it." Did that speech ever work? Nope, not once. I would get the whole, "Okay no more" but that would make it about a good fat solid week before someone would start saying, "I want some of this or that, just this one last time." I would always say no, but then they would just show up with it anyways and blame their friends for bringing it over.I did not have the willpower to just step back and walk away from it. I saw it, I had to have it too. I can't tell you how many times when I was pregnant with both of my boys that I would turn into a rage monster because there would be drugs around I couldn't have. It's not that I was upset they were there, but I was mad I couldn't have them too...jealous. Drug addiction especially to cocaine and meth does things to one's brain, takes control, won't let go of you until it is too late. My issue with the drug was allowing myself to be controlled. I have a hard time seeing myself now allowing anyone or anything control me. In my 20's I didn't have a voice, figuratively. I had such terrible self esteem and hated myself so much that I would never stand up for myself. I allowed my self to be pushed around, and on drugs, I was pushed into doing a lot of shameful things I am not proud of. Drugs turned me into a sad, angry, lonely child who would sit in the corner and cry rather than take a stand. Once I freed myself from drugs in June 2011, I started gaining courage. I started connecting with the world via internet. I would go on dating sites, not to actually do anything BAD, but to meet people, start feeling good about myself, gain confidence, and become social. I never actually made the efforts to meet up with people, just because it made me nervous. But when I met my now husband, yes from a dating site, he showed up unexpected in the town I lived in. I told him no when he asked for me to meet him. He started to go on his way but something inside me said, get your butt dressed and go!. I was so depressed with life, I rarely got dressed. I would stay in my pajamas, never put on makeup or fix my hair unless I was going somewhere, which I rarely did. I rushed into the bathroom, piling on makeup and straightening my hair. I probably looked terrible when I met him, but I did it. If I was on drugs, I never would have. I would have told him no, deleted my profile, blocked his phone number, and hit back in my corner. If I was on drugs, I would never have started this blog. I would have never wrote a book, I would never have started my career, I would still be severely depressed, hating my now ex husband, keeping myself alive only for my kids sake like I did before. I quit drugs to save my own life. I quit drugs to find myself, to overcome the pain and suffering, to regain my health. Although, I did lose my kids in the divorce, and that is the pain I feel everyday, my life has meaning now. I get out of bed, I don't lay there for hours like I did before with earphones in my head blocking out the world. I get up and go to work everyday, instead of calling in at least one or twice a week because I stayed up all night high. I get dressed every morning, even on the weekends, I get dressed, fix my hair, put on makeup, instead of being a total disaster area. I love and care about my husband, instead of hating and despising the sight and feeling dread at the thought of him coming home from work like I did before. Overall I just feel better, I look better, I even smell better, haha! I found the will , I found a way, I found the strength. So can you!

A Brand New Today: Without Depending on Where to Get the Next Fix

I remember when getting through the work day used to be horrifying for me. I remember when just the task of crawling out of bed after tossing and turning all night, getting no sleep at all but having to try because getting ready to go to work at 5am every morning was a have to thing. I used to stay up until 1-2am getting high on coke then there waa a point where it didn't really phase me anymore so I would try and go to bed amd "rest" which was never restful. My muscles were always tense, I would get bad indigestion, and I would constantly toss and turn for hours. Then when the sun started to peak I would damn near ball my eyes out knowing now I had to go work, and at that time I worked in the oil field. It wasn't a simple behind a desk job where I could pretend to function. I would become all panicky them show up at work trying to pretend I was too sick and maybe they'd send me home..nope! It was a long 10-12 hours in the hot sun outside. I would sneak off into the Port o potty to fix myself up with another dose but it would barely get me through 2 hours I was so bombed out. Fortunately for me half the guys I worked with were in that same boat so we watched out gor one another but then there was the ones who weren't and they weren't so nice, especially to the only girl on an all men team.
After being sober for the last 2 1/2 years I still dread work some days but I have a much easier time. I sleep restfully, I no longer have panic attacks going out into public, I feel better, I am healthy, I have held down a job with the same company for the last 2 years which is the longest I have ever had any single job. It was my birthday when I realized I was ready to quit and meant it. Especially when my now ex husband didnt even get me a gift, he got me drugs.. and his friend gave me drugs. That was my bday gift. I was not happy.
Being dependent on drugs to get you through the day has devastating results. I watched my ex get fired from multiple high paying jobs because he couldn't pass a drug test. Once that happens, word starts spreading. I too have quit and been fired from many jobs due to drugs. Quit because I was too messed up to show up so I would just not ever go back and stay home getting high.. Fired because I had no judgement on how to be a good employee. I would wonder around the store aimlessly for hours instead of working. I would convince co workers to sneak off with me for hours at a time. It was all on camera of course but I was too dumbed up to know better. Drugs are a good example of why I ur prisons are so full. They take you to desperate places, convince you to do bad things, make wrong decisions.  There was a story the other day here in Oklahoma of a man that bashed in his wife's head repeatedly because she wouldn't let home play video games. He was high on drugs amd she died. She was pregnant.  Is that what you want your legacy to become?

Were you bullied or the bully themselves?

I am sure many of you have been bullied once in your life. Then there are a few of you who were the bullies. Being bullied is something that stays with you even after you have beaten bullying. I was bullied a lot when I was in school, through out my entire school age years I had to deal with it. In elementary school it wasn't so bad. There were two girls who would call me names, along with everyone else. They were just bullies to everyone. They would call me butter teeth because my teeth weren't very white as a kid. I don't think I took very good care of them then, like most kids. But even worse there was my 1st grade teacher who was my biggest bully. She would search my backpack everyday looking for things to get onto me about. If I brought a toy to school, she would give me detention. 1st graders carry toys everywhere they go, I mean come on. She didn't give anyone else detention for bringing toys, and several other kids did. I always carried my baby blanket in my backpack, I would get detention for that too. She told my parents I was stupid and would never amount to anything. She was a horrible woman. 

It wasn't until 5th and 6th grade when the bullying started again. At that time, we had left Florida and moved to Arkansas. The other kids were skeptical about talking to me because I wasn't from there. This coming from a town of about 12,000 people. They weren't very inviting to new people. My teacher thought I was poor and would bring me food and her daughters old clothes saying I NEEDED this and should take it home, not realizing I was not a poor kid, nor did she bother to try and find out. She just assumed I was poor so she would, in front of the other kids in class, say I NEEDED to take the stuff she offered home because I didn't have anything. I think only once I took a sweater home, and that is just because I really liked it. At that age I had boys pick on me. I was a tomboy at that age and my best friend was the pretty rich girl all the boys loved. Boys would pick fights with me on the play ground, then when I would challenge that, they would run and hide behind the teachers. I guess they thought I would run and cry. No, I was a fighter.

In Jr and high school, the bullying was the worst ever. In 9th grade I was a cheerleader. I wasn't out of the ordinary then, I wore my makeup heavy, that is about it. The girls on the Sr cheer team were very mean to me. They would tell me my makeup was smudged or I looked ugly just seconds before going out to cheer in front of the school, leaving me distracted and upset. I was also in band throughout school, and during games I would run back and forth between cheer and playing with the band, and so did some of the other cheerleaders on the Jr team. The Sr team girls would tell me how stupid I looked running back and forth and that I should just quit, not saying that to the other girls who were doing it. In 10th grade, when it was time to try out for the Sr team, they harassed me so badly right before my try out, pointing and laughing at me, that I messed up my try out, I stumbled out of step, knowing they were watching me laughing at me. I wasn't a bad cheerleader. I was pretty good actually, I just was upset because of them and stumbled, costing me my position on the team. The coach asked me to stay with the team, working with her, helping with the music and filling in when someone was absent. So I did, only because I didn't want to take PE class instead. 

It is funny how some of those girls now, have tried friending me on Facebook. I laugh thinking about it, because one had said she felt bad and actually admired my bravery for being who I was, but she was afraid to say that to anyone then. I denied her request. Only one did I accept, she was one of the only one who never was mean to me, plus we ended up in jail together. HAHA imagine that!

Even today I find myself double checking the clothes I buy, the color I dye my hair, and how I present myself. I don't like to look normal, I was never normal by any means, but now a days I tend to buy clothes that don't draw much attention, I tend to wear my makeup lightly, and fix my hair normally. I din't let the bullies win, I just would prefer not to draw so much attention anymore. Bullying damages people, we all know that, so why do it? It isn't making you look good, it makes you look like a  jerk. 

I wish I would have said something to my bullies, I never did. I just took it and let it bother me. Only one time did I tell off a cheerleader who ran into the locker room crying. I asked what was wrong, she said to go away, she didn't need ME to help her. I said, fine then cry, I don't care, and walked out. She never talked to me again. I should have continued giving my opinions to those girls, maybe they would have left me alone, but I was too busy trying to be nice to everyone, despite how much I hated most of the people I went to school with. There was times when I started cutting myself, I think that is when my being different became much more intense. The weird clothes, colorful hair, piercings, running away, lying to everyone constantly, drinking... The more they pushed me, the weirder I got, and the less I cared about school and life. My grades plummeted, a lot of my friends didn't really talk to me, I ignored my parents and often hide from them. I never would leave my room, I would hide in the woods and skip school a lot because I hated going there. I didn't want to deal with the people and hearing what they would say behind my back, conveniently where I could hear them. I don't think they ever realized what they did to me then, if they didn't bully me, I may have been a better kid, I may have never took the path I took after high school. I would have went to college early, instead of doing drugs and partying. They destroyed my confidence and everything that made me feel like a person. I spent many years of my life on a destructive path. I was even married to a man who bullied me. He bullied me into taking more drugs even though I said no, he bullied me calling me fat and ugly, he bullied me into doing things I didn't want to. October of 2011, I finally found my courage and my voice. After all those years, I found myself and said, that is enough. 

Yin and Yang

Growing up there was always a yin-yang hanging somewhere in my room. Whether it was a necklace, a poster, drawings...it was a part of my life. I liked the symbol although I didn't know its meaning all that well. Yin and Yang are 2 opposing forces who live together in harmony, interconnected to one another, interdependent to one another. Light and dark, fire and water, death and life are all descriptions of such a force. My life I now see as such. My loving, caring,  motherly, side that wants to heal and guide is one force. My temper, angry, vengeful side is the opposite. When I was a drug addict there was no harmony between the two, it was always dark...always. I never could see the light of the happy side. Although my kids were the only thing that pulled me through, they kept me from killing myself as I wanted to do so many times. They were the Yin to my Yang. They helped me see the light when I was lost in the dark. This message is basically saying this.: no matter how bad it is, there is always light somewhere searching for you. Find that light and you will find your peace. If you stay hidden in the dark, how will you ever find your way?

My name is Rebecca and I am no longer a drug addict

It appears like I am looking for pity when I tell my stories, but that isn't the case at all. I told my stories as part of my own personal healing from the 14 years I spent misbehaving and doing drugs. I hope I can help people who just need that person to connect to. Sometimes it helps just hearing other people's stories knowing you are not alone, because you are not. I know although I have been in some terrible situations,  I am lucky I am not dead because there are guys and girls out there who were killed for the same things I used to do. It wasn't until the past 2 years of my life I realized there was a reason I am still alive. If nothing I have said in my past blogs reached out to anyone in need, then I have not done my job. I am here to help. I can listen, I can advise, I can guide, but it is up to you to take the first step. Are you ready?

The multiple personality drug addict: Being Knocked Back into Reality

It's hard to fully understand the selfish behavior you develop when you have an addiction. When I was in jail, I got one and only one letter. It was from my sister. I was surprised when I got it. I was in there a few weeks and no one wrote me, no one visited me. Out of all the other girls in there, I was the only one who was "alone." I had no money on my books to buy deodorant,  paper, pencils, whatever... because I was alone. I had to borrow from the other girls which some were nicer than others. But when I got that letter I was really excited, until I opened it. It basically said I was a horrible person,  I was no longer welcomed in her family, I was to stay away from her daughter, and to never speak to them again because I was scum. I deserved it. I was scum. I would come over constantly to bum food, shower, and I would bring my scumbag boyfriends over to eat. But worst of it, I stole blank checks from her, and I stole the cash out of my nieces piggy bank. Things are different now of course. I was allowed back, I was hopefully forgiven, I assume so. I owe them back. I realize that 13 years later. I was a thief and an addict then..multiple personality addict. Yes there was many sides of me then. I was a mental nightmare. I got high off of the thrill of being so multi personal. I got a high off of everyone playing into my bull. I got high off of stealing. I just got high...a lot..

Never criticize a drug addict. You never know why they are the way they are.

Have you ever walked around the mall or more likely Walmart and seen some guy or some girl just totally trashed looking, all bug eyed, twitchy, and looking like they were just hit by a bus? Ya I have. I was that person before. One day I was high on meth and walking around Walmart.  I was in the clothing department and I caught myself in the mirror. I was pale, my eyes were sunk in but my pupils were so huge and freaky looking. My skin was all dirty and oily, my hair was messy and greasy. All I could think of is, I am going to go home, take a shower then go to bed and never touch the stuff again. Of course as I walked around I saw, or at least I thought I saw everyone staring at me disgusted. Now when I walk around I try not to judge people that are obviously drugged out. I never know why they are doing it. Just like myself, they probably dont even know why.
I see a lot of drug addiction pages subscribing to my blogs. I go and read things on there and I see a lot of teens bragging about their drug use. Excited about getting high and bragging to other teens what they are going to do. Firat instinct is, it makes me sick.. second instinct is not to judge them like that. They may just be dumb kids like I was at 18 but then again, you never know why they are the way they are.

Just some of the dumb things... courtesy of being young and on drugs

Everyone has done bad or dumb things at least once in their life right? Everyone can say yes to that. Even the goody goods of the good can admit they have done some dumb things before. But when you are an addict, those dumb things are just a part of everyday life. They dont seem so bad or you know they are but you don't care because you feel you have to or like someone has told me, you don't realize you are doing it until you already have and you snap back into reality thinking,  why did I do that, a little too late.
I was never a person that would sell everything I owned to get a drug fix. Probably because I didn't really have much when I was younger. Even when I did have plenty of money and cool stuff, I didn't.  When I was 18 I wasnt a hardcore drug user. I smoked a lot of pot and partied every minute I could. But I did a lot of dumb things.. A LOT.
I would steal thibgs from friends houses and go pawn what I could.
I stole money from my sister.
I would sneak out to my parents house when they were at work, break in and steal change to go cash in at the bank. This became an extreme habit.
I have stolen a car that I was supposedly test driving drove it out of state, then tried to sneak it back in the middle of the night..yep got busted for that the next day.
I cussed out a police officer. . The one who arrested me for the car thing.
I would manipulate guys into buying me cigarettes and putting gas in my car. I sure as hell couldn't afford to.
I got into way too many strangers cars because someone would say theres a party at ******s house. I could've been killed. I didn't know those people.

When I was a little older and had kids I started losing my nerve quite a lot. I let my ex walk all over me. I let him buy all the drugs he wanted for the most part. Even if I said no he would just go to work and do them. But if they were in the house, I didn't want to do them but did because they were there and I was an idiot.
My kids never suffered because of drugs. Their hardest times have been moving from state to state for years due to oil field work. They never got to make friends. This type of oil career sucks you in and drains you before it lets you go. I don't know many guys in this side of the field that aren't drug addicts, alcoholics, or sex addicts. I have seen these guys drop a 2,000$ paycheck on a stripper or a prostitute while their wife and kids are states away home wondering where the money is. The things people do when they are an addict is tragic.  You never realize how badly it affects people until your family disowns you and you lose every ounce of self respect you have ever had. It doesn't just go away when you recover either. I have been clean and sober since June 2011 and my past still haunts me.

From bad to worse: Addiction Alcohol

I was never an alcoholic so I can't say this is a personal addiction but I lived with one. Moving from North Carolina back to Oklahoma was not exactly what I wanted to do again. Not that I don't like Oklahoma, just when you have 2 kids, animals,  2 vehicles,  and all your crap, that 18hr trip is too much. I was beyond sick of my ex changing companies every year or two then towards the end, every few months. He was a money chasers, but worse than that, he could never pass a drug test to keep a job. As I was younger I never realized how important having health insurance was. We didn't have it often because of his constantly changing jobs. But moving to Stillwater OK was nothing short of the most miserable time of my 9 year relationship with him. On the day we moved in (in several feet of snow) he and a friend snuck off and came back an hour later with nothing more than the infamous baggie of white powder. I was very upset. I thought that part of life was over. But the drugs were never a consistent thing. The alcohol on the other hand was a necessity in my house. Every single day I would watch him drink himself til he passed out. I didn't Dar wake him and when I did I would get called fat, ugly, stupid, bitch, whore... just to name the least. If we were low on a bottle of liquor or beer I would get yelled at. It wasnt until memorial day of 2011 I finally put my foot down once and for all. We were planning to go to Tulsa with the kids for a nice evening out in the city. While I was getting dolled up, he was getting hammered. I did not know. I come out ready to go to find him half passed out on the couch. I was boiling mad and I started yelling at him. Then the name calling started from him but worse than usual. It was brutal and it still hurts me to talk about this night. He was so mad he forced me amd the kids into the truck and he jumped in the drivers seat full blown drunk. He drove at speeds well over 100mph swerving all over the place, running off the road, he nearly killed two kids on a motorcycle. They were very lucky. He came inches from creaming them going about 70mph in a 30mph zone. We got to the next town and he pulled into a parking lot and threw me out of the truck and drove away with the kids. I started walking to a store for help and he came back and pulled me into the truck again. We made it to Tulsa somehow in one piece where he once again threw me out and drove away. I called the police but I had no idea where I was. He once again found me. I was so freaked out I hit him in the face and he hit me in the face twice then screamed at me to take him to a friends house, this friend was a drug dealer. I refused and after about an hour of threats on my life I decided to trick him. I guided him on the back roads back home. It wasn't but about 40 miles out, in the middle of nowhere at midnight,  my trucks engine gave out from the extreme workout it had received over those last 5 hours. He abandoned us..in the middle middle middle where.. no words..just drunk, he left myself and two kids in a dead truck at midnight on the side of the road. He was arrested that night. Had his license taken away, was slapped with multiple fines, had to take classes for alcoholics.. if it wasnt for a good friend coming to my rescue,  I dont know how long I would have been stranded there. My cell phone was dead. Two traumatized kids, and it was hot outside. He promised to stop drinking. . Promised to get help..Promised to go to classes.. June, he did not drink..but no other promises..July, no promises and drinking again. I met my husband Aron in August. To me, he was everything I could want in a man. My ex husband was nothing I wanted. I left him in October.
An alcoholic will only quit if HE OR SHE wants to quit. It was obvious my ex didn't want to amd he still drinks. He lost a wife of 9 years, lost multiple jobs, lost his freedom to drive, lost the respect of friends and family, lost a lot of money to the state.. Alcohol bruised my self esteem,  Alcohol turned me into an angry person fpr a long time, alcohol scars memories, even if you aren't the alcoholic,  if you deal with those who are, you will be damaged by it.

Sometimes it goes too far: replacing one addiction for another

Sometimes no matter the consequences, you just have to put a firm foot down. Deciding the first time to quit the oil field to get away from the life wasn't easy. We moved back yo Tulsa and I went to college finally. Something I should have done when I was younger,  but I went. I liked school this time around. I had friends, everyone in my classes were nice. I guess that's what happens when people grow up. I spent almost a full year training to be a Surgical Technologist. I liked medical training a lot. At the end of training came time for the RANDOM drug test. I was panicking that day. I knew I would fail and I did. I failed and was denied my final exam until I passed 3 drug tests. In that time frame my ex had decided he was going back to the oil field and I was to go too.. no questions asked. We moved to Houston where I was promised an externship as soon as I passed my tests, which I did. Did I get my extern? Nope..denied.. turned away.. career lost because of drugs. Gone, bye bye.. so I decided to study online for veterinarian tech. I stayed clean. We moved to North Carolina a few months later where my ex was away at work A LOT to my delight,  I felt free to have a life which I never had before. I did my externship and loved every minute of it. Then my ex decided if he couldn't have his drugs, he would start tipping a bottle instead, which wasn't new but never too bad. It never got too out of control until one night. We went to a NASCAR race and when we came back I was attempting to get the kids to bed. He decided he wanted to party with the drunk college kids outside.  I got angry and blew up on him. That didnt sit well, next thing I knew I was pinned down on the couch being choked. It took every ounce of what I had left to kick him in the chest, making him fall backwards and for me to grab my kids and run to his sisters house next door.
Dealing with an addict can be dangerous.  Especially one who is afraid to admit they have a problem.  When they replace drugs with alcohol or even mix the two. They have no conception of good and bad. Nor do they care.

It follows me: Addiction Methamphetamine part 2

After being in Tulsa a short while, we were offered a job in thr oil field which meant a great amount of money but a lot of moving.  In the 6 years I lived this life I lived in 14 different states including: OK, MT, CA, LA, NE, SD, TX, NC, SC, OH, GA, MS, AL, AR. Plus there was repeating 5 of those states at least twice if not 4 times. I will just say, I moved a lot. First job, Montana. It was a nice place, beautiful town but Montana is known for meth use which meant bad things for me. 5 months later I moved to San Francisco where the meth was not readily available but its little brother Cocaine sure was. So that was the trade off. Working 60 hours a week in the refineries and being strung out does not match. I went days with no sleep and not eating. Some days I was so miserable I would sneak off at work to bump up. This far gone we took our drugs however we could get them. Smoking,  snorting,  injecting. . Don't judge me.. The body can only take so much you see. Then you have to start making sure you are aware of where the hospitals are located in every town just in case. A night came when I true true stand up to walk across the room. I didn't make it very far and the next morning I was in the hospital being pumped full of fluids for 6 hours straight. You would think that would teach me. Ha! There were too many bags of powder and little pills to swallow. A year later, moving to southern Louisiana near New Orleans shortly after Katrina was no fun. But I got pregnant again with my 2nd little one amd I decided I was ready to be done with it all. I spent many nights crying alone as my child's father would sneak out at night to go party with his friends. They spent much of their Louisiana visit high on crack. A drug I banished from my book a long time ago. After months and months of this passed and the mental abuse started from my ex. He was so far gone that if i raised my voice I was subjected to being verbally a used until I had a panic attack. That happened often. Then after my idiot ex husband was so high on crack he forgot to pick me up at the airport an hour away in new Orleans where I sat pregnant with my oldest son for all of about 6 hours after our return from Florida, I made my stand. Time to move.. and move we did.
The point is, no one should put themselves through this for any one. I did it to stay with my husband because I believed in him. I wanted my kids to have both their parents at home. So I dealt with anything to keep that. No one should ever put up with the mental abuse and lies to save a marriage. Your body, no matter how strong can only handle so much be for it cracks. Think about this before you take your next fix.

Bouncing Off the Walls: Addiction 3 Methamphetamine

Have you ever just did things you didn't want because you felt like you had to in order to fit in? I am sure almost everyone will say yes to this. But what if that something ultimately can alter who you are, not knowing for better or for worse would you still do it?
When I was 19 and trying hard to get udder control of my ridiculous selfish life, I left my parents house for the 2nd time to live with my sister, which never lasted very long, so one of my sister's old high school friends turned bitter enemy asked me to move in with her. I don't know why, but I agreed to it. I had to get a good job and pay my dad back for all the lawyer fees he forked over to keep my loser butt out of jail. I found a good paying honest job at a local factory. It was hard work, but again it was honest. I stayed with this girl and helped her with her kids and we just lived our lives. Then came the day we were going to a party and I met the man who is now my ex husband.  He was different that'll the guys I generally met around town. He was new in town and was very kind. I felt different with him, like I wanted to be better.  I thought the world of him and he introduced me into the shameful world of Methamphetamines. I unfortunately was still an idiot girl who was easily possessed so I gobbled up the stuff as fast as he could give it to me. Pretty sad right? As time passed, we lived together and moved away from that town. We both had good jobs and life was completely flipped for me. I was actually making it! Then I got pregnant and lost my job. We ended up moving in with his uncle, the meth cook himself who would get name in front of me, turn on porn and ask me to "be with him." Lid in that house was disgusting and I felt like we were reversing everything I had tried so hard to avoid. The police started harassing us daily. They knew what was going on in that house. So I said, its this life or your family to my ex and we left. I being pregnant and having withdrawals was a horrible sight. I would scream at people, hit people, throw and break things. I had to be medicated and slept a good week straight until I started feeling better and we took off and moved to Missouri. With the birth of my son and our marriage,  both of us having good jobs again, things starting looking up and soon after we were being transferred to Tulsa, OK for work. But that isn't where this addiction ends. Not by far. Running away never solves problems and it felt like we ran for all about 7 years before I had my break I point.
The point of all of this is, I know there is temptation out there. I know some of you do drugs because you think if you don't they wont be your friends, or you blame it on your life and situation. I blame both. Be for you start think about where you want to be in 5 years. Unless you want to be in jail or sick, meth isn't going to resolve that.
If you are already addicted, look for those who can help you. Family isn't always the best bet. Ask a minister,  talk to a councillor.  It is time for you to look ahead on the road to tomorrow. 

Meeting the Giver of the Goods: Addiction 2: Men

When I was 18 and my parents kicked me out of their house ( I deserved it, trust me), I was bouncing from sofa to sofa. Mostly my car was my place of peace and rest but I made a lot of "friends" that year that would let me pass out on their couches or better yet, in their beds here and there. I went from being a weird social disaster from high school, to the ultimate blonde bombshell party girl. I lost about 40 pounds, bleached my hair, wore tight skimpy clothes, and like I said earlier, was willing to do anything. I was that girl the other girls HATED and the girl the guys loved. My first night out on my own I had guys approaching my car as I sat alone, crying, and scared at the park. This at that time was a popular hang out spot for the local burn outs, I fit in well. They invited me over to hang out and I gave them my sob story and they felt bad for me. Needless to say, I had a place to stay for a few days. I didn't know why nor did I care that not a single one of my relationships that year lasted more than a month at the most. If a boy wanted my attention, they got it. I was addicted to men, or more known as, a sex addiction. I was the Tiger Woods of the time. I am lucky it never turned bad for me, I never caught a disease or got pregnant, I just got treated like a whore. I chased men like a hungry animal and I didn't care who stood in my way. I lost two jobs, lost several places to stay, and a lot of friends because of my addiction. A few months of fun turned into several months of worry, pain, loneliness, and reverting right back to my lifestyle of stealing and deceit to get by. No one else would help me anymore and I was living full time in my car, no job, no gas, hungry, no friends, and like I said in my other blogs, I refused to ask my family for help. I suffered for a while until I was so desperate and hungry, I stole money, wrote bad checks, stole a car to go get money, and caused a lot of trouble for police. I was watched police like a hawk, getting pulled over nearly everyday for going a mile per hour over the speed limit and getting a ticket for it. I decided I had to get out of town. I met a guy, who I really didn't like much, who invited me to move out in the country with him and his brother. Life there was terrible. I wrecked a motorcycle drunk on a dirt road busting up my leg so bad I could barely move, but waking up the next day being yelled at to get off my ass and work, cook and clean, then help with the deer they killed. The brother was mentally unstable and would threaten to kill me if I stepped out of line. After a few weeks I met someone else and bolted out of there as fast as I could to another home in the country where the girls that lived there stole all my clothes and then called the police on me. That began my long stay in Boone County jail, where I was facing a nasty prison sentence. This snapped me out of my addiction to stealing at least, that I know was dead. I was done, cold, sad, and hollow. Not even men could fulfill this void. I sat in jail watching out the window that faced the highway hoping to catch a glimpse of one of my parents driving by to work. I saw my moms bright yellow company truck (At least I think it was her) a few times. All I wanted was to go home and be good.

How much can I take? Life of a 17 yr old misfit

smoked marijuana for the first time when I was 15. Just the once then didn't touch the stuff again til I was 17. At that time I took such an angry depressive state in my life that anyone who paid attention to me and made me feel good about myself could have convinced me to do anything.  I was 17 and a friend wanted to introduce me to a boy. He lived in Missouri which was only about a 50 mile drive away. So I told my parents I was staying over at a friends (in Arkansas) and we loaded up in my convertible red mustang amd took off to Branson. I met the boy, and liked him. He was a lot like me, a social outcast. We hooked up instantly. Then I didn't realize what I want doing, I just thought it was cool, but I smoked a lot of pot in that house. I got so stupid that weekend I decided to skip going home Sunday. Didn't bother to tell my parents,  I just didn't show up to school Monday either. They called my parents for me and somewhere down the grapevine, (my friends mom) my secret was discovered.  I went home and to school, got my car taken away and then I got very angry. I had it by then with my life so I ran away amd back to Branson, much to the boyfriends surprise.. (not very happy he was) I wouldn't say I did it all because of pot, but I think it coincided with my rebellion.  Those several weeks I stayed there was the biggest nightmare my 17 year old self could imagine but I never realized until looking back as a clean and sober adult. My boyfriend dumped me amd I still lived there while he had other girls come over and stay in his bed. It hurt my feelings,  he was my first. I was so sad I would do anything to leave, except go back to Arkansas. One day a cute guy came over and said he had friends who could help me if I went with him. Against the plea of others not to go, I went. I followed him into that car amd was traded off to a 30+ something year old man in exchange for little bricks of powder (heroine). Yes I was sold for drugs. The 30+ year old man took me to a dumpy old trailer with no heat in the winter and stripped me. I was his toy. Later I was again taken to a home with a family and was told I could stay in exchange for taking care of their kids. They were nice people, I watched their sweet children, and was given all the drugs and alcohol I could want. But it was a sad life. I was still a used drug slave and had to endure whatever was expected of me. By time the police had found me, I was never so happy in my life to be going back home where I went back to school and graduated by the skin of my teeth. Not because I wasnt smart, because I was so far gone. I cared about nothing and no one. My brain was muddled and empty. But for those final months of my high school 17 yr old self, I remained clean.

A look into how it all began: Addiction 1 Kleptomania

I never had a bad childhood. On the contrary,  it was quite good. I had a nice family and good friends. As a kid growing up in Vero Beach, Florida,  going to the beach all the time, going out on the family boat, roller skating all the time, I should have had it made right? I had friends, loads of toys, nice clothes. But something inside me still burned for more. The wolf was untamed and I was a thief. Now, a lot of kids steal little things every now and then but for me it was something I did and often. I don't know why. We weren't poor, my family could have bought me the things I stole but for me I didn't bother asking, I just took. It started as a kid under 10 years old. I would steal toys from friends houses and neighbors yards and would tell my mom I found them in the ditch down the street or that my friends just gave it to me. She always made me return them but I didn't.  I would go hide them instead.  When I was a teen living in Arkansas I stole money from my parents damn near daily. I would use it for the most petty cheap things they probably would have bought me if I asked, but I never asked. I never really spoke much to my parents as a teen. I was different in school. I was that band kid who wore all black or weird outfits. Had weird haircuts and dyed her hair hot pink. I had piercings and my world revolved around music and music only. In a tiny town of Arkansas, that was not acceptable and I was made fun of and bullied often, daily even. When I was 18 my thievery got so out of control I ended up in jail facing a very long prison term. I was homeless and was stealing money from people, my bosses, friends, family, anywhere I could get it. I never asked anyone for help. I was never the type to. But those cold several weeks in jail, not speaking to anyone,  feeling abandoned by everyone I knew and loved was the real turning point for me. The desolation of my first and longest addiction.