Were you bullied or the bully themselves?

I am sure many of you have been bullied once in your life. Then there are a few of you who were the bullies. Being bullied is something that stays with you even after you have beaten bullying. I was bullied a lot when I was in school, through out my entire school age years I had to deal with it. In elementary school it wasn't so bad. There were two girls who would call me names, along with everyone else. They were just bullies to everyone. They would call me butter teeth because my teeth weren't very white as a kid. I don't think I took very good care of them then, like most kids. But even worse there was my 1st grade teacher who was my biggest bully. She would search my backpack everyday looking for things to get onto me about. If I brought a toy to school, she would give me detention. 1st graders carry toys everywhere they go, I mean come on. She didn't give anyone else detention for bringing toys, and several other kids did. I always carried my baby blanket in my backpack, I would get detention for that too. She told my parents I was stupid and would never amount to anything. She was a horrible woman. 

It wasn't until 5th and 6th grade when the bullying started again. At that time, we had left Florida and moved to Arkansas. The other kids were skeptical about talking to me because I wasn't from there. This coming from a town of about 12,000 people. They weren't very inviting to new people. My teacher thought I was poor and would bring me food and her daughters old clothes saying I NEEDED this and should take it home, not realizing I was not a poor kid, nor did she bother to try and find out. She just assumed I was poor so she would, in front of the other kids in class, say I NEEDED to take the stuff she offered home because I didn't have anything. I think only once I took a sweater home, and that is just because I really liked it. At that age I had boys pick on me. I was a tomboy at that age and my best friend was the pretty rich girl all the boys loved. Boys would pick fights with me on the play ground, then when I would challenge that, they would run and hide behind the teachers. I guess they thought I would run and cry. No, I was a fighter.

In Jr and high school, the bullying was the worst ever. In 9th grade I was a cheerleader. I wasn't out of the ordinary then, I wore my makeup heavy, that is about it. The girls on the Sr cheer team were very mean to me. They would tell me my makeup was smudged or I looked ugly just seconds before going out to cheer in front of the school, leaving me distracted and upset. I was also in band throughout school, and during games I would run back and forth between cheer and playing with the band, and so did some of the other cheerleaders on the Jr team. The Sr team girls would tell me how stupid I looked running back and forth and that I should just quit, not saying that to the other girls who were doing it. In 10th grade, when it was time to try out for the Sr team, they harassed me so badly right before my try out, pointing and laughing at me, that I messed up my try out, I stumbled out of step, knowing they were watching me laughing at me. I wasn't a bad cheerleader. I was pretty good actually, I just was upset because of them and stumbled, costing me my position on the team. The coach asked me to stay with the team, working with her, helping with the music and filling in when someone was absent. So I did, only because I didn't want to take PE class instead. 

It is funny how some of those girls now, have tried friending me on Facebook. I laugh thinking about it, because one had said she felt bad and actually admired my bravery for being who I was, but she was afraid to say that to anyone then. I denied her request. Only one did I accept, she was one of the only one who never was mean to me, plus we ended up in jail together. HAHA imagine that!

Even today I find myself double checking the clothes I buy, the color I dye my hair, and how I present myself. I don't like to look normal, I was never normal by any means, but now a days I tend to buy clothes that don't draw much attention, I tend to wear my makeup lightly, and fix my hair normally. I din't let the bullies win, I just would prefer not to draw so much attention anymore. Bullying damages people, we all know that, so why do it? It isn't making you look good, it makes you look like a  jerk. 

I wish I would have said something to my bullies, I never did. I just took it and let it bother me. Only one time did I tell off a cheerleader who ran into the locker room crying. I asked what was wrong, she said to go away, she didn't need ME to help her. I said, fine then cry, I don't care, and walked out. She never talked to me again. I should have continued giving my opinions to those girls, maybe they would have left me alone, but I was too busy trying to be nice to everyone, despite how much I hated most of the people I went to school with. There was times when I started cutting myself, I think that is when my being different became much more intense. The weird clothes, colorful hair, piercings, running away, lying to everyone constantly, drinking... The more they pushed me, the weirder I got, and the less I cared about school and life. My grades plummeted, a lot of my friends didn't really talk to me, I ignored my parents and often hide from them. I never would leave my room, I would hide in the woods and skip school a lot because I hated going there. I didn't want to deal with the people and hearing what they would say behind my back, conveniently where I could hear them. I don't think they ever realized what they did to me then, if they didn't bully me, I may have been a better kid, I may have never took the path I took after high school. I would have went to college early, instead of doing drugs and partying. They destroyed my confidence and everything that made me feel like a person. I spent many years of my life on a destructive path. I was even married to a man who bullied me. He bullied me into taking more drugs even though I said no, he bullied me calling me fat and ugly, he bullied me into doing things I didn't want to. October of 2011, I finally found my courage and my voice. After all those years, I found myself and said, that is enough.