The Will to Overcome Addiction

Having the capability to overcome addiction takes a lot of, well everything. I know, we have all heard the whole speech about having willpower right? I know I have been told many times, I do not have the willpower, that I will say I will do something, but never follow through. I never actually wanted to do drugs the way I used to. I can't sit here and say I never actually wanted to do them period, that would be a lie. There were many times while in my 20's I would get really sick or end up in the hospital being severely dehydrated, or have abscesses, or kidney stones, boy did I have a lot of those due to my failing health from the results of drugs, but there were multiple occasions I would come home and say, "Okay I am done, no more, and I don't want to see it in this house, because if I do, then I will do it." Did that speech ever work? Nope, not once. I would get the whole, "Okay no more" but that would make it about a good fat solid week before someone would start saying, "I want some of this or that, just this one last time." I would always say no, but then they would just show up with it anyways and blame their friends for bringing it over.I did not have the willpower to just step back and walk away from it. I saw it, I had to have it too. I can't tell you how many times when I was pregnant with both of my boys that I would turn into a rage monster because there would be drugs around I couldn't have. It's not that I was upset they were there, but I was mad I couldn't have them too...jealous. Drug addiction especially to cocaine and meth does things to one's brain, takes control, won't let go of you until it is too late. My issue with the drug was allowing myself to be controlled. I have a hard time seeing myself now allowing anyone or anything control me. In my 20's I didn't have a voice, figuratively. I had such terrible self esteem and hated myself so much that I would never stand up for myself. I allowed my self to be pushed around, and on drugs, I was pushed into doing a lot of shameful things I am not proud of. Drugs turned me into a sad, angry, lonely child who would sit in the corner and cry rather than take a stand. Once I freed myself from drugs in June 2011, I started gaining courage. I started connecting with the world via internet. I would go on dating sites, not to actually do anything BAD, but to meet people, start feeling good about myself, gain confidence, and become social. I never actually made the efforts to meet up with people, just because it made me nervous. But when I met my now husband, yes from a dating site, he showed up unexpected in the town I lived in. I told him no when he asked for me to meet him. He started to go on his way but something inside me said, get your butt dressed and go!. I was so depressed with life, I rarely got dressed. I would stay in my pajamas, never put on makeup or fix my hair unless I was going somewhere, which I rarely did. I rushed into the bathroom, piling on makeup and straightening my hair. I probably looked terrible when I met him, but I did it. If I was on drugs, I never would have. I would have told him no, deleted my profile, blocked his phone number, and hit back in my corner. If I was on drugs, I would never have started this blog. I would have never wrote a book, I would never have started my career, I would still be severely depressed, hating my now ex husband, keeping myself alive only for my kids sake like I did before. I quit drugs to save my own life. I quit drugs to find myself, to overcome the pain and suffering, to regain my health. Although, I did lose my kids in the divorce, and that is the pain I feel everyday, my life has meaning now. I get out of bed, I don't lay there for hours like I did before with earphones in my head blocking out the world. I get up and go to work everyday, instead of calling in at least one or twice a week because I stayed up all night high. I get dressed every morning, even on the weekends, I get dressed, fix my hair, put on makeup, instead of being a total disaster area. I love and care about my husband, instead of hating and despising the sight and feeling dread at the thought of him coming home from work like I did before. Overall I just feel better, I look better, I even smell better, haha! I found the will , I found a way, I found the strength. So can you!